Anyone else have a kid that goes to the nurse every week because they "don't feel good *exaggerated cough*"? Or maybe when they get hurt, the limp or favor that part of their body for days even though you know they're fine? That's my Lily. She's a sensitive girl...emotional...doesn't handle pain well. She's my mini me. If someone in the house is sick or has a cold, she's in the nurse the next day "sick too"...but has no fever and the nurse suspects she's full of crap.
One time, we were at a birthday party bowling and she dropped a bowling ball on her bare toes. That had to hurt. She couldn't walk and was crying uncontrollably. Brought her to the ER and got x rays...doc said "nothing is broken, but it's probably going to be sore and bruised for a while." 20 minutes later, she's running around the yard at Grandma's. WTF?
Tonight she was riding her bike and fell...landing hard on her knee. Instantly it swelled up and looked like hell. She couldn't bend it at all...I decided to bring her to the Urgency Room and as we were there, the tears subsided, the swelling started going down...and she started screwing around with her wheelchair. Mom's been duped. Doc said "it's a little sprain." cleaned out her scrape and sent us on our way. Lily was miraculously able to hobble out of the clinic. Imagine that.
Why do I bring her in right away? Well, a couple reasons. 1, I don't want to not bring them in and have it end up being serious. 2, When I was young, I broke my foot in the most ridiculous of ways and my parents didn't think it could possibly be broken...and it was. 3, She's one hell of a freaking actress. Seriously...she needs to get into acting. Next time, she better be missing a finger before I bring her in! I'm tired of looking like an idiot when it turns out she was exaggerating an injury. Yeah, yeah, yeah...my mom and Jim say "ice it and wait it out" but when they're screaming and crying in pain...it's not so easy. Ugh. I'm tired of being the chump lol.
I know she's doing it for attention...and it works so well. When I say "Lily, are you faking?" or "Are you fibbing?" She freaks out and asks why I never believe her. Well, she's kind of a hypochondriac faker face. That's why. Well...mama's sympathy is gone. And the trust is shot. She is the girl that cried sick/broken. She's going to have to earn it back. If she ever breaks a bone and I don't bring her to the doc for several hours and they ask why, I will share this blog post. *sigh* What an exhausting night. Time to ice the brat's knee. Later.
Lovely to find out several days after other family members knew, that my Grandma is critically ill and possibly dying. It's clear where my family stands in this "family". Clearly my dad isn't important enough to know that his mother is so sick. This is bologna. I see cryptic messages on facebook and even "pray for my grandma" and when I ask which grandma, I receive no response. You could have said "Your grandma, Jen." Something. Would you have told me if she died? How many of you knew and didn't even mention it to me. Not even a "hey, did you hear about Grandma?" WOW!!! Yes, I AM upset. How rude of you people.
In one of the weight loss support groups that I'm in we do weigh ins every Thursday. So, every Thursday I'm going to update here with my newest stats! :)
My highest weight was 280...that's when I decided to have the surgery. Day of surgery, I was 270.
Today, 17 days after surgery, I weigh 252.8!!!
On top of the 27.2 pounds I am down, I have lost a little over 8 inches over my body. I'm seeing the difference in the mirror. My clothes are fitting different/better. I'm shrinking!! :)
Today I had my 2 week post op meeting with my surgeon and he okayed me to move onto soft foods. Whew! Thank goodness. Pureed foods look like dog poop. For dinner the hubby grilled me some chicken breast tenderloins and I ate seriously 3 bites and I was too full. It's crazy! During my liquids weeks I couldn't imagine feeling full. Now I get it. I also now understand what it's like to eat a bite too much and have to puke! It's really working!
8 months ago, I hit my highest weight ever. 280 pounds. I was shocked and appalled. The next day I visited my doctor and got my referral for weight loss surgery. Over the next several months I jumped through every hoop they had and I was maintaining a weight of 273. I had surgery on 9/16/13 (10 days ago) and today I stepped on the scale to see 260!!! I've lost 13 pounds so far!! That may not sound like much...but to me, it's awesome! It's showing me that I made the right decision. I can't wait for next week's weigh in!! Yeah buddy!
So, we live in the burbs. But, it's "the projects" in the burbs. I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before...but I feel the need to repeat that as it pertains to the story I'm going to tell. It's a nice place to live, honestly. Our neighbor keeps stealing our trash can and I'm pretty sure his twenty something loser kids are smoking pot in their garage (if not them, someone else certainly is...I haven't found a skunk anywhere to make me think otherwise) and our upstairs neighbors can be loud as hell...but aside from that, I've been happy here.
Some of you may recall my post from June, about Fiona being injured at the playground. That situation was resolved...and I have become friends with the child's mother. Well, since then, several things have happened that center around the park and I am to the point where I don't think we can live here past our lease.
A HUGE problem here, is that a vast majority of the parents don't supervise their children at the park. I've seen a 2 year old out here being "watched" by his 6 year old cousin. People let their children go for hours and hours and don't so much as check up on them to make sure they haven't been kidnapped. The problem here isn't kidnapping, thankfully. It's that their children are little hoodlums. Not all of them, of course, but, when the cat's away, the mice will play. Know what I'm saying? The kids are always fighting with each other and it's been getting physical. Some of the parents are even condoning their children fighting. It's disgusting and disturbing. If I am at the playground when something happens, I lay down the law and tell them to knock it off and go home or go play. I will not tolerate bullying.
Now, although the park is directly across the private street from our apartment, we do NOT let our kids play there by themselves. One or both of us are out there with them. A few months ago, my 14 year old nephew was watching Fiona and Eoghan at the park while I dropped Lily at a birthday party down the road. It literally took 10 minutes. When I got home, Fi was crying and my nephew told me that another boy (4/5) at the park beat Fiona up!! He hit her and BIT her while the mom allowed it to happen and when Fiona told the boy she hated him, the mom said "DOn't say that to him!" Needless to say, since then, this mother has been on my shit list for a bit. Yesterday, the same little boy (who is a little monster) attached Eoghan because he wanted Eo's toy. He punched him in the nose! I wanted to push the little effer down. But instead, I sent him home and told him to tell his parents what he did. A few minutes later, the mom comes out looking for the toy that her kid left at the park. Clearly, she was not going to talk to me. I went up to her and said "Hey, I sent him home because he attacked my son." She said "Oh, thanks." WTF!? Did I just step into the freaking "Twilight Zone"? She gave me the wrong freaking response. The correct one would have been something along the lines of "OMG! I'm so sorry! I will have a talk with him and watch my little brat from here on out. Again, I'm sorry!" It was all I could do to not go Jerry Springer on her. (I just had surgery, I am in no condition for this crap!)
On labor day, I was with the kids playing there and one of the boys in the complex, a severely autistic 13 year old boy, came to play too. Usually, he's accompanied by his grandmother. This time, he was alone. He's a pretty happy kid...swings on the swings and laughs hysterically. His mother came to check on him and we chatted a bit and she told me about his condition and how he's a good boy and she wants him to have a normal life. She doesn't agree with her mother keeping him under her thumb all the time. Um, ok. Well, what I didn't tell her is that just before she got there, her very large son just about ripped my dog's arm off when I wouldn't let him pick the pooch up. Whatever. Mom went home and left the boy to play. Bad idea. He went into the woods and drug out a very large branch...grabbed a big stick off of it and hit Lily in the side and on her shoulder, very hard. I was freaked out and hurried to collect our things to go inside, and told him to go home. He started following us and then throwing rocks at parked cars on the street. I went in and contacted a friend to ask what I should do. Do I call the cops or let it go? I decided to let it go because he's differently abled. Bad move on my part. The next day, the same boy was alone at the park again and took that branch from the day prior and hit another boy in the head with it 3 times. I ended up calling and making a police report about Lily and another mom made one about the other boy. The boy is now no longer allowed to be unsupervised at all at the park. Clearly, that is a no brainer.
The kids have been known to go into the woods and collect wood and other pieces of debris to make forts against trees in the commons area. It's an eye sore and it's just plain dangerous. Last week, a few of the usual suspects built a fort complete with fire ring and started the fort on fire. Now, the lack of parental supervision has become extremely dangerous! Just yesterday some kids had been in the woods again and brought out not only large branches and small logs but metal siding to play with/build a fort. WTF!? I told them to get away from it all and stop bringing crap out where people could be hurt. (they were swinging the metal around!!!)
Last night I emailed our landlord and told him that if something wasn't done and parents weren't supervising their children, I would be forced to call the police any time something happens there. Our kids love to play at the park with the other kids...but it's getting way out of hand and dangerous to be there. I'm hoping that when our lease is up, they will let us either go month to month or sign a 6 month lease so we can move in warmer weather. Better yet...I'm hoping the problems are resolved and we're able to stay. Ugh. Dying to find out what kind of crap will happen TODAY!! :eye roll:
Well, it's been a week since I changed my life. It's been a rough one too. I went home from the hospital on Wednesday early afternoon and around 9:30 pm, my calves were hurting...I was freaking out. All I could think was "OMG! It's a clot!" So, my Mom took me into the ER as per docs recommendation. He even called them to let them know I was coming in. Worst. Idea. Ever. The ER was packed to begin with, then every 10 minutes an ambulance would bring somebody in. I sat in the lobby long enough for the pain pills I had taken earlier to wear off. I was in pain and crabby. I was going to leave...obviously they weren't too concerned or I wouldn't be so low on the triage scale. But, the jerkface triage nurse convinced me to stay. Another 45 minutes later, they brought me back. Thankfully there weren't any clots...doc said it was probably from anesthesia or just sore muscles. She shot me full of pain killers, said some very sweet words of support and sent me on my way. I finally got home around 4 and crashed.
The rest of the week held a lot of napping, water sipping and walking around the house. I even made it to the Children's Museum with Jim and the kids! I was exhausted afterward, but I did it! Then on Saturday, a friend of a friend that had also had weight loss surgery, said if I was exhausted as I was, I wasn't getting enough protein. Truth was, I wasn't getting any. My surgeon told me "clear liquids for a week" when he discharged me. Well, I'm pretty sure it was killing me. I decideit was time to move onto the "full liquid phase" so that I could start drinking protein shakes. I also started adding unflavored protein to soups and applesauce for good measure. The next day I was feeling MUCH better.
I am so grateful for my family. Hubby took the whole week off work to be able to be home for me. He was so good. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry, played with the kids and took care of me. He is a great man and I am very lucky to have him. I am a proud wife. The kids have really tried to be nice and gentle with me...I love those guys. I know they're excited to have me "back to normal" so we can go do all the fun things we usually do.
Today was my first day going solo since surgery. Thankfully, I'm feeling about 90%. I'm beat after running my errands...but I'm not dying. :) AND, I've lost 10 pounds since last Monday! It seems small, but after hovering in the 270's for so long, seeing 261, I was pretty pleased. Yay! It only goes down from here...especially once I'm able to work out.
Well, surgery was a success...I made it through surgery and recovery and home. I went into the hospital at 270 pounds, gained 6 in recovery (iv fluids) and this morning weighed in at 267. Going in the right direction! I'm still getting used to everything and I'm still exhausted and I probably will be for a while. It doesn't take much to tucker me out. I'm so excited for the next several months. Being able to eat and exercise and be healthy normal.
Thank you to everyone for your well wishes!! Jim, thanks for taking care of me...seriously, best husband ever. Mom, thanks for the midnight ER rescue (again lol) and for staying up until almost 4 in the morning and not bitching at me. Abby, Thanks for coming to visit me! Sorry I was so tired!!
Well, I did it. I made it all the way through the hoops I needed to jump through...7 months worth. Now, here I am, less than 24 hours away from surgery. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm ready.
The past couple weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. At one point, I broke down in tears. There is a very small chance of death associated with this surgery and my risk is a little higher because I wasn't told soon enough to stop a medication. So one night I set out to write my children a letter, in case something happens to me. I wasn't able to get through it. I lost it. The thought of leaving my children motherless and my husband to raise them alone terrifies me beyond belief. It literally hurts my heart to think of it. Thankfully, there is much they can do to prevent anything happening. After that breakdown, I am now at peace. I am ready for the change. Ready to be the new me. It's not going to be an easy ride, but it's going to be worth it. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
If anything DOES happen, those that are close to me, please stay in touch with Jim and the kids. When they miss me, tell them I'm in heaving watching over them and all of the stuff kids need to hear to not be totally broken. When they turn 21, get them drunk and tell them of the stupid shit I did when I was young (but only the good stuff, let my demons die with me). When they get married, tell them of my wedding day. When they have children, tell them how much I love them and how I was looking forward to being an awesome grandma.
When Jim finds a new girl, make sure she's not someone I will go poltergeist on and chase around with a butcher knife. Make sure she's suitable to be a mom to my kids. Remind Jim that he'll never be able to replace me. (Okay, I might just hate the thought of another woman all up in my business..so sue me lol.)
I'm counting on things being fine, but I just want to cover my bases...just in case. :)
Jim and Mom, thank you for putting up with all of the crap that lead to this point...and for all of the crap to come. You guys are amazing and I honestly couldn't have done it without you. I love you both so much and I know that I am very lucky to have you by my side.
If you're the praying type, send some prayers my way...or just some good ju ju. Soon enough, I'll be back on my feet and updating how things went and then sharing pictures of the amazing shrinking Jenny! See ya later taters!
Sometimes, lately, I wonder if I have the plague. Suddenly, my social calendar is empty (which, let's face it, wasn't too crazy to begin with seeing as I {and most of my friends} have young children) and my phone stopped getting texts and calls. . My friends have slowly gone MIA...or bat shit crazy...or found a different friend...or stopped caring. I've hit all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) in the past few months and I've come to this realization: It's time to move on.
I'll be the best, most loyal friend you can ask for...until you stop pulling your weight in the friendship. A friendship shouldn't be work...and if I'm the only one working at it, something is wrong. I won't kiss your ass to be my friend. I deserve better than that.
I give what I can to my friends. I give them my time, my love, my ear to bend, my shoulders to cry on... I don't have a lot of money, so I'm sorry if I can't make an event that you invite my family to. If you give me things throughout our friendship...if you buy me lunch, pay for my kids to see a movie, or any other thing that you offer to and WANT to pay for, DO NOT HOLD IT AGAINST ME! I'm sorry that I cannot reciprocate to the extent that you have. I realized too late that you tried to buy the love and friendship that I had already willingly given you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to compete with another friend for your friendship. If you can't handle more than one friend...then cut one loose. Don't string me along if I'm the one you don't need anymore. OR if that other friend treats me like shit and you do nothing to defend me, then FUCK YOU. The "oh that's just how they are" excuse doesn't cut it. Don't cut me down to build yourself up.
Bottom line, I'm tired of being disposable to people. I'm tired of being the weakest link because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm done hurting because my "friends" treat me like shit. Don't wonder why you haven't heard from me. Don't wonder why I don't care anymore. I've moved on. I know who is there for me and who isn't. I will not sacrifice my happiness for outsiders anymore. The only people that matter are my family...and they're the only friends I really need.
I thank all of my friends for the fun we had while we were together...for the memories we made...for the lessons you've taught me. I will never forget you.
Now...(and pardon the ghetto)...
I'mma do me.
P.S. If you're wondering if I'm talking about you, maybe I am. Shape up or ship out.
In three weeks I will finish my six months of meetings with my dietician. A week after that I will meet with my bariatric surgeon. The day after that they submit the request for approval for surgery to the insurance company and anywhere between a week and a month, we will get our green light for surgery. If things go as we hope, I should be having my roux en y done some time between mid September and mid October. Holy crap. So, as part one of my journey ends and part two begins, I'm letting myself daydream about what it will be like to be thin. (Something has to keep me from freaking out over the pain I will be in and the fact that I won't be able to enjoy food like I do, ever again)
Every so often, Jim or I will point out something that I'll be able to do after I lose weight...that got me to thinking of all the things I'm looking forward to and want to do once I'm healthy.
My skinny bucket list:
*Shop for clothes that aren't plus size.
*Wear high heels without being in unbearable pain.
*Wear my original wedding ring.
*Go to Valley Fair and not worry that I won't fit in or will break a ride.
*Sit on my husband's lap without killing him.
*Wear a bikini.
*Do the Mud Run. Can't wait to add to this list and, even better, to CROSS THINGS OFF!!!
I want to say a great big THANK YOU!!!! to those that have supported me this far. I appreciate the votes of confidence and an ear to bend. I love you guys so much. You know who you are.
This weekend was the weekend I've been looking forward to for a couple months. Lakefront Music Fest, featuring Brett Michaels on Friday and Montgomery Gentry last night.
Friday night we got there in time to see Warrant and then Brett. It was a fun night. Definitely worth $10. We even got to see a fight that erupted from the "standing room only" crowd.
Then, on Saturday, MY day, we partied hard. Let's back it up a little bit. I've been a super huge fan of Montgomery Gentry since 1999, when they first came out. They were my "obsession" band.(everyone has one, you know you do!) The first time we saw them, they were at the state fair in the bandshell, for free. I think we saw them 3 or 4 times (with Chad Brock and Tonic Sol Fa...fond memories of those concerts). I've been to a dozen different MG concerts, including meeting them when I was 15 at Grand Casino. I wrote their name on my parents' shed outside and on the cupboards inside. So, when I heard that they were playing a concert that I could afford, I couldn't pass it up. It helps that it was the weekend of my birthday so I had a good excuse to party it up!! Mom got us up to the front row, just to the left of the stage. Seriously, awesome seats. They rocked hard and played all of my favorite songs. I danced and screamed and sang and I felt like I was 13 all over again. Troy threw a guitar pick into the crowd and we got it!!! I almost wet myself. By the time we got out of the concert, braved the crowds, got shuttled back to our car and I dropped mom off, it was almost 3 am. I have quickly realized that I am far closer to 30 than I am to 13. Today I'm limping because I killed my leg standing and dancing for 5 hours. My throat hurts from screaming and singing my heart out. I had a blast and a half. Best concert I've ever been to. Thank you Mama for coming out with me and helping me have the time of my life.
For several months now, I've been dealing with increasingly painful uterine problems. It's gotten to the point where I am now in pain for 3 weeks out of the month and have mild relief for 1. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and I told her that my symptoms seem to point toward endometriosis. To my surprise, she agreed. (I have a crappy doc.) She prescribed me birth control pills to try.
I've been taking the pill for about 3 weeks now, and I cannot believe how well they've been working for me. I still have uterine pain, but it's 80% better. I guess we'll find out how it's really going once I hit the green pills. Another plus side: I'm having an awesome side effect ...my anxiety is almost gone! I went from having anxiety/panic attacks almost daily, to once a week. I am honestly just amazed. I feel like a different person.
I've noticed that as my pain increased every month, my face (and chest) has steadily gotten worse. I've never had perfect skin, by an means...but never like this. I went from "comfortable" to "please don't look at me!" I have people ask me "Do you have a rash?" or say "It looks like you're having an allergic reaction!" or "Wow, you're really breaking out." Yeah...thanks for the concern. I just have adult acne. :( It's so embarrassing! I've tried a different cleanser, washing my face twice a day, different medications, getting sun, drinking more water...I'm even going back to the dermatologist to beg for help. I'm assuming that the hormone problem that was attacking my uterus also affected my skin. I'm praying that the b/c pills will help...but after almost a month, I'm seeing zero difference.
(forgive the psycho eyes, I tend to do that in selfies lol.)
What have you used to get rid of acne? I need some tried and true tips and tricks. I'm just a train wreck...I'm super fat, have horrible skin and bad hair. WTF. I was already a teenager once, I'm not looking to go through that again. Apparently I pissed off the powers that be and I'm being punished lol.
Quick updates: Today is appointment 4 of 6 with my dietician. Next week I go get my "crazy test" results from the bariatric shrink. If all goes as planned, I'm about 4 months out from surgery.
I called the "quit line" and got set up with the Quit Smoking Program. In the next day or so, I should be getting my free quit smoking aids and I will be on my way. Yay getting my health back!!!
I know that kids get hurt...but Fiona seems to get injured far more often than any kid I know. I feel bad for her, because I know how it is to be "that kid". I was always hurting myself...and still am lol. A couple days ago she was clothes lined at the park (update at the end of the blog) and today, she got attacked by the cat. She wanted to play with Barley, but he wasn't in the mood. I told her to back off...but she wouldn't listen. So she came over to me crying because he attacked her. I didn't see any scratches at all, so I kissed her boo boo and continued about my business. I looked over at her, and she had blood running from her head and down her face!!! OMG!!!!
I scooped her up and ran her to the kitchen to clean her up, expecting to see a huge gash...but there wasn't anything!! Meanwhile, Eoghan's freaking out because his little sister is bleeding all over the place and I'm trying to get him to bring me the phone so I could call my mom. (I was getting ready to bring her to the ER lol). As I'm on the phone, I see the wound...
See that teeny tiny little speck in the middle of her scalp? Yeah...that's it. That tiny little gouge caused her to bleed like she cracked her head open. Ugh.
Update for the playground incident: I called the landlord and told him what went down. He told me to get in touch with the city, as it's a city playground, and tell them what happened and to request a sign stating that "Parents must supervise children at all times". He also called the other owner of the different buildings and found out that this isn't their first incident with the little boy that tied the rope to the slide. They will be contacting the boys mother and notifying her of what happened.
I think I'm going to get a roll of bubble wrap and wrap her up in it. I'm tired of her getting hurt all the time. Silly Polish genetics.
When we moved to our apartment, we were thrilled that there was a playground right out our front door. We also found out that it was built just last Fall! As it started getting warmer, the kids started to come out to play at the park more often. I was excited that the kids would have so many friends to play with. I quickly realized that there was a big problem with it all. No parental supervision.
Here's the thing...we live in the projects. Granted, they're in Eagan, so they aren't in "the hood", but, they are "the projects" nonetheless. There are easily over a hundred families in the dozen different apartment buildings. Seems like most of them also have a few children each. On a good day, there are 20+ different kids playing outside. Usually, it's just Jim and/or me and maybe another parent. Needless to say, it gets pretty chaotic at times. There are a few kids that are trouble makers and are constantly fighting or being little shits...I have no problem telling these kids to knock it off or go home. "I'm going to get my mom!" Please do. I'd love to tell her that she needs to watch her kids! It's to the point that even if I was comfortable letting my kids go to the park without me, I wouldn't do it because some of the other kids running around there are too naughty/mean.
Today Jim brought the kids down to play for a little bit while I made brunch. Fiona came up the stairs crying because she got hurt. Then Jim came upstairs pissed, and explained what happened. Somebody took a jump rope and strung across the bottom of one of the slides...Fiona went down it and got clothes lined pretty bad by the rope. Another case of no parental supervision. Hopefully if there was some, the parent would say "don't do that, that's dangerous!" Then again, who knows...people can be so freaking stupid. Problem is, my child could have been seriously hurt. It's bad enough that she's got scrapes and marks all over her neck and chest...
It's going to be a long summer. Hopefully I am able to make it before I go off on somebody for neglecting their children or not picking up their dog's poop or throwing their alcohol bottles on the grass by the park. I can't handle this crap. Somebody buy me some land outside the cities...it's time to move.
Today I had my first appointment (of at least 3) with the bariatric surgery shrink. I got in and started filling out paperwork. Thankfully I got there 15 minutes early and got a head start (still ended up taking almost an hour to complete!). They wanted some serious background information. I was afraid I'd need an extra piece of paper to continue my answers. So I get in with the doc and his assistant/intern/lady that sits and types everything and stares at me but doesn't talk to me {awkward!}. He starts asking a billion questions and I remember reading that some people who already had it said essentially "if you want the surgery you lie, lie, lie so they don't think you're nuts." Even if I wanted to lie my way through it, there's no way I'd get away with it...they request tons of medical records! So now I get to go through a two hour test/screening to make sure my stress levels aren't too high and my depression/anxiety is within "normal" range. Great. I'm feeling like things didn't go well and they're going to tell me I'm too stressed out to continue...which is stressing me out even more. Vicious cycle? I think so. Keeping my fingers crossed that I am just reading too far into it and freaking myself out for nothing. Uuuuuggggghhhhhh.
Growing up, we weren't a religious family. We had our baptisms, first communions and funerals. Tradition type stuff. I was in the church choir for a little while and as a teenager went with my cousins to their church for the "teen night" (sing some religious pop songs, play some games, have a little preachy/prayer time). My annoyance with the "bible thumpers" started then. I remember going on a camping trip with this Christian church and on the van ride, one of the girls said "I hate Catholics." I was upset, because what little I knew of religion, I knew that my family was Catholic. I was 15 when that happened and I knew there was something very wrong with what that girl said. I mean, aren't we taught through all of this church crap that God loves us all?
Flash forward a few years. I met Jim and we instantly hit it off. I even remember having the religion talk on one f our dates. I knew he was an atheist and that I wasn't religious either. End of discussion. We "lived in sin" for a year and a half until I got pregnant. We got married by a judge a few months later. Then our beautiful Lily was born and I wanted to have her baptized. Oh man. You'd think I said I wanted to set her on fire by the reaction I got. Jim was not for it. Out of respect for him, I didn't have any of my children baptized. (He still thinks I went behind his back and did it anyway.) I never taught them anything of God or religion and avoided it as much as possible to avoid the conflict it would create. I decided that I would remain neutral on the topic and not bring it up until they asked questions. Eventually they got older and had friends that would tell them stories from the bible or talk about God or Heaven. I always answered with "Some people believe this, but other people believe other things." Well, recently Lily came to us and told us that she wants to go to Sunday school and learn about God. *Oh shit. Here we go.* After a month or so and a few stops at churches for little miss stuff and Eoghan asking "Do we get to learn about God?", I decided that it was time to let the kids experience church. Obviously, the hubby was less than thrilled and wanted me to bring them to a hard core Catholic church (stand up, sit down, kneel, pray, sing, repeat) so they'd be bored to death. I wanted to give them a fair shake at it. To be honest, the past few years I've been thinking about finding a church to join for myself...especially recently with Ashley's sudden death and my upcoming surgery...I've been needing to find the faith. So I looked around and I found an Agnostic church in my area that seemed like a good balance. Not too preachy, not centered on just one faith, accepting of everyone, seemed well rounded. So I decided to check it out. This is how it went:
Sunday morning after sleeping too late and trying to skip it, the kids insisted we go. (Eoghan wasn't so excited, but had to go anyway lol) We headed out to the church I'd found and after a 20 minute drive...it was no longer there!! Fail! Luckily, on the way out, I saw a church near our home that had a blinking sign advertising their 9:30 and ll am services. So, we headed out. When we went inside, I had to find someone to tell us what to do. Awkward. I went and registered the kids to join in their Sunday school classes and the kids barely even said "bye!" to me! Fiona's room was basically like an ECFE room, full of fun small child toys and friends. Lily and Eoghan's room was like a rec center play room complete with Wii and foosball and tons of kids. I went downstairs and quickly realized that this was not a "traditional church". This was more of a modern setting. There was a band up on stage starting to play some Christian pop music and people started filling the auditorium. I decided before I got in there that this was strictly an observe and report type of visit. Before I know it, people are standing up all around me, arms raised in the air, singing their hearts out. Thankfully, the old man in front of me was also sitting down, otherwise I would have been totally mortified. This is just NOT my thing lol. Eventually, we got to where the preacher/pastor/dude that talks (no idea what his title was) started with his service (that's the only word I can think of to describe it...it wasn't a traditional sermon or anything. It was super laid back, just a dude on a stool on a stage with a bible.) I listened to him talk about the importance of true friendship and staying away from fake friends that don't have your best interest at heart. I found myself nodding along and thinking "wow...what a great message." Then there was the awkward "shake your neighbor's hand" thing and the passing of the collection plate and it was all over. I high tailed it up to get the kids before I could be cornered and told all of the reasons I should join their congregation. The kids were all grins and giggles and "MOM! We love church! Can we come back next week!?" Wow! I'm sure some of it had to do with the fact that the place is all fun and they gave the kids a toy for being a new member. On the way home, I asked them what they had learned. They told me about the story they were told (I have no idea what they were talking about or what the "moral" was...it didn't make much sense coming from them lol) about a missionary that was either possessed by a demon and did a lot of bad things and was arrested or a missionary that was arrested for spreading the word of Jesus and while in jail they kept saying they were wrongly accused and stared to pray. God heard their word and there was an earthquake and off of their chains fell off and they were "free". The guard told them that if they (the prisoners) left the prison, that he (the guard) would be killed for letting them escape. So, the missionaries stayed and spared his life. ...not sure what to think about all of that. I should have emailed the people to ask them what it was REALLY about...but I didn't. So now, the kids keep talking about church and praying and God and going back next week. This is where things get tricky...
Jim has never hidden his dislike for religion and church and the like. I don't want him to feel pressured to join us at church. BUT, I think the kids are old enough to decide if they want to have to go to church every Sunday. I think they're old enough to decide that they want to learn about God. I don't think it's fair to scoff whenever they mention church...or to tell them that the bible says women aren't equal to men. I say teach them the good things...like honor your mother and father, don't murder, don't lie, cheat or steal, help your neighbors, be a good person. If it helps to make them a better person, what's the harm? If having faith helps get them through a difficult spot in life, how can it be a bad thing? I think that it's possible to have a happy balance of both of our beliefs. Is it possible? I don't want it to be a "I'm right, you're wrong" thing...I want it to be a "let's agree to disagree but with respect" thing. I don't want the kids to feel guilty or stupid for wanting to try new things. I also want to have my role as their parent validated. I want everyone to be happy without the strain on my relationship.
I've been sitting on some blogging for a while, so I figure it's about time I get to it.
After a couple months of ups and downs and dealing with some serious bullshit and a crazy schedule, the Little Miss stuff came to it's closing weekend for the candidates. Friday night we had the street dance which was a good time. Saturday was the day of parades. It started off pouring rain but ended up hotter than hell and we all got sunburned. Then there was Sunday, the day we've been working for. The day was super stressful when the girls didn't get into the dressing room until like 10 minutes before they were supposed to greet guests. So all of the moms were busting ass to get our girls' hair done and dresses on. (Although it sucked, I was super happy to see everyone pulling together to help each other out. "Who has hair spray?" "Anyone have a comb?" I need bobby pins!!") We all knew that within the hour, most of the girls would be going home without a crown. I also knew, within a couple weeks and by the time coronation came, there was no doubt, that Lily would be one of those girls. When it was time for the crowning, I still held a sliver of hope in my heart for my beautiful little girl standing up on that stage. Then they announced another girl's name. If it had been any other girl, I would have been happy for her. But truth be told, none of the girls even stood a chance. The winning little miss had her "pageant mafia" to make sure she got it. I know I sound like a bitter loser mom, but, I assure you I am not. After the ceremony and winners were crowned, I went to pick up our things and a friend of the winner's "godmother" came in and said (I shit you not) "I don't know why you were so worried she wouldn't win! I mean, you DO run this stuff ya know!" Yeah. It took ever ounce of restraint to not say or do something I would regret. It just wasn't a fair shake for the other girls and I was pissed. Lily took the loss better than I did. I had to step outside and shed a few tears of disappointment and injustice. Lily simply said, "There's always next year!" Bravo, my sweet girl. In that moment, I've never been more proud of her. So, friends and family, put aside $20 now to "donate" to her next year. ;)
Thank you, thank you to everyone that bought buttons or tickets for the luncheon or showed up to the street dance. I appreciate you guys supporting Lily and being a friend.
Anita, thank you for your help every step of the way with everything, including letting us use your dresses. I know I drove you nuts with my constant questions and freaking out. I am glad that I had this time with you and your wonderful family. I owe you.
To my Mom. Thank you for always being a rock for me. You did so much for me/us during all of this (on top of "normal life") and only complained a little. The last 3 days of this journey would have been unbearable without you there to stand with me. I know the sheer exhaustion you felt when it was over and I appreciate the sacrifice. I know that I will never forget you being there and neither will Lily. Thank you and I love you.
Now, onto the next topic:
Brené Brown. She does some TED talks about the power of vulnerability and listening to shame. Everyone needs to watch these videos. She has such an amazing, no b.s. way of talking that pulls you into her message so strongly. I'm not much for the self help type of books, but I will definitely be buying her book. Soon. I'll leave it at that...but if you watch the videos (I think you shoul it could change your life), please let me know what you think!!
Let's do a little gastric bypass update!
I just had my third appointment of six with the dietician. Halfway there!! I made my appointment with the GB shrink so he can tell me I'm crazy, but cleared for surgery lol. We're looking at sometime in October for the surgery date. I am getting excited! Next month I'll be going to a support group meeting to meet and talk to people who have had it done and compare some notes. I've been doing some research into the success and horror stories...and after going to try to find something to wear to the coronation...trying on 10 different outfits and looking through the entire store, TWICE, I decided right then that regardless to any of the scary stuff, all systems are a go!
Okay, well, that's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this installment of "As My World Turns". Until next time...ciao!
Today Iola and I took the kids to the park to play. By "the kids", I mean 4 children (2 on bikes, one in a stroller and one in a back carrier) and 2 dogs (my Shih Tzu and her Siberian Husky {the strength of that pooch is crazy}). Omg...to say it was intense is putting it lightly. We made it to the park and played for a while and fed fish and stuff and on the way home, Eoghan wiped out on his bike. So, I ended up carrying him the last block and a half...
Without a doubt, I wore out my patience along with my body this morning. It doesn't help that the kids are also tired (or tired of listening?) and being little brats. I swear, they don't want to listen unless I'm yelling. Add it all together and, well, my anxiety level is rising very fast.
It seems to me that as a parent you're not allowed to say that your kids are driving you up the wall and you need a break. If you don't put your phone down and watch your kids play at the playground you're "too plugged in". If you put yourself first ever, you're a bad parent. If you take a vacation to Florida for 5 days, you're not allowed to be driven nuts by your children within 4 days of returning.
Here's the deal: I love my children to death and I missed them terribly while I was gone. I love watching them learn and play and be kids. They DO drive me nuts...and you best believe that I need and am going to take a break when I need it (so long as my shift is covered). I take my kids to the park for hours a day every day and if I didn't just sit on my ass for a while and look at my phone while they run around, I might lose my mind. I'm not missing anything...they need to know what it's like to be a kid without mommy hovering over them every second of their lives. I need to put myself first once in a while because while I'm a Mommy, I'm still a person with my own needs.
There's a song that says: "You're going to miss this. You're going to want this back. You're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast."
I agree with that 100%. I'm going to look back on this time with fondness...and I will tell the stories of the shenanigans they got into. But the truth is, being in it right now, this shit sucks sometimes. Not every moment is a Kodak moment. Not every moment do I see a silver lining in the cloud. Some days, I want to run away. But I WILL miss this and I WILL want these days back. It's okay to not enjoy it so much 100% of the time leading up to that point. To pretend to be "one of those moms" would be a lie.
Tonight, I will go and have a drink with my friend and unwind from today. Tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after and so on, I will wake up and hope that the day is good and filled with more awesomeness than suckyness.
On that note, I need to go yell at these little fart knockers. Iola, I'll send you a bill for my torn shoulder muscles lol. Later.
Jim and I just celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. This year also happens to be our 10th year of being together. I'm pretty impressed with our awesomeness. Just sayin'. So, to celebrate, we went to Northern Vineyards in Stillwater for a wine tasting (first time ever, was pretty neat!) and then headed over to Outback for some grub. We even tried lobster(tail) for the first time ever...we've talked about trying it, but I was only on board if someone took it out of the shell and there was lemon and butter on it. OMG, it was NAAAAAASTAY! I choked the one bite I had down without barfing...but it was close. Let's just say, I don't understand the hype lol. We ended up bringing it home for the kids. (Eoghan hated it, the girls loved it) So another year under our belts, and in June we celebrate our 10th year together...I'm a lucky girl. (Love you babe)
On Wednesday I had my second appointment with the dietician (2 months down, 4 to go!) for my gastric bypass surgery. This time, she gave me a list of things I have to have mastered by surgery. Some of the stuff made me make the face above^^^. Included are:
*Eat slowly in a quiet, relaxed environment. (Haha, right.) *Take 20-30 minutes to eat each meal. (People have that kind of time?) *Take small bites and chew food to applesauce consistency. (shit's hard to do!) *Separate fluids from meals by at least 30 minutes. (I'm so parched just thinking about this one. And hello, I'm a white girl that likes to eat spicy Mexican fare...I NEED water or my mouth will burn off.) *Avoid caffeine and carbonated beverages. (Nooooo!) *Don't drink alcohol for the first year. (Fuck.)
They weren't kidding when they said "this is a total lifestyle change." :sigh: I am, committed. So let's do all of these things like they're going out of style! My birthday will be my last night of drinking. The rest just has to be "mastered" by surgery. Wish me luck.
Lily started her run for Little Miss West St. Paul. Saturday was the kickoff dinner that, well, kicked it all off. She did a little "commercial" for everyone there to promote her sponsor (Pace's Tire and Service Center)...she sang a poem to the tune of "Jack and Jill" and it was freaking ADORABLE. The girls walked around and socialized with all of the different people...I am so glad that girl is a social butterfly and has no fear of talking to people. Makes my job a lot easier. The cake we made (snicker's cake with "gold nuggets") was auctioned off and sold for $100! Lily was disappointed when she found out she didn't get to keep that money. Lily really enjoyed herself, and we're looking forward to more fun next month. Go Lily!
My dad asked me tonight if I was "running my mouth on facebook". I was pretty baffled...trying to figure out what I said that would be considered "running my mouth". After thinking of all the offensive shit I constantly say at any given moment, I then wondered, who is trying to "get me in trouble". I say it with quotes because, who is going to yell at me? Last time I checked, I was taking care of my own life as a wife and mother of 3 children whose lives I take an active role in, a grown woman that is a productive member of society and guess what!? I can vote too! I don't answer to anybody but my husband who respects me and thoughts. I want to say for people who do not like for the things I post, unfriend me. Don't read my blog. Don't ring my phone. It's fine. But don't tattle on me. If you have a problem, call me. We can talk about it...but remember, I'm allowed to be myself, regardless of who YOU want me to be. I am adult woman, hear me roar, mutha trucka! :D
Yesterday was the day I've dreaded all week. We said our final goodbyes to Ashley. It was painful to see her laying in the casket. She did not look like herself. In my mind, she would be sleeping...but the reality of what she did showed. I hope that I will be able to close my eyes and see images of in the pictures up on her memory boards instead of how she was yesterday. On top of the general pain of being there, we were not welcome there. My brother was good enough to pay for her funeral, but how dare we show up to mourn our loss. I felt the animosity all around...but it gets chalked up to me being a catty woman. Wow. Well, things were confirmed when I saw a certain person's facebook page today. It really bums me out they couldn't put aside their crap for a few hours on one day, for Ashley. I was on my best behavior...but if looks could kill, we'd have been dead 10 different ways. I even tried to bridge the gaps and make general friendly conversation...my attempts were immediately shot down. It really pisses me off that the blame is put on us that Ashley took her own life. Yes, things were said in the heat of the moment, when anger got the better of people. Ashley contributed to this...and I know that she enjoyed the drama. How could anybody know that THIS TIME she'd really do it? From the things I heard yesterday, from their own family, they couldn't handle her and got rid of her too. Don't act holier than thou, when you are no better. Where were any of you when my family was cleaning her apartment? Did any of you collect her belongings? Did any of you pick out her funeral attire? Did any of you even call to ask "how can I help out"? No. And you're right, karma is a bitch and WILL come back to bite you in the ass. I think you better look in the mirror as you recite that, honey. You are not as righteous as you think or want to pretend you are.
I am going to move on now. I have mourned my loss and I have done what I could to send her off in a nice way. When I think about Ashley, it will hurt inside...but I know that there was nothing I could do. Mental illness goes a long way and drug addiction makes it worse. Rest in peace, Ashley. I hope we did you proud.
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or know someone that is, please get help. Call someone you know and trust or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You may think that nobody cares, but the pain of losing you will affect many people.
I've spent the past 15 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. I have so many thoughts going though my head...so many emotions in my heart...everything I write is so inadequate. Where do I begin? I guess I just have to dive in...
A few days ago, I got a call that rocked my world. My brother's fiancé was found dead. She took her own life. Now let's back it up a little bit.
My brother and Ashley never had what I would call a healthy relationship. He wasn't emotionally available and was fresh out of prison. She was obsessive and unstable mentally/emotionally. On again, off again. He said, she said...fight and argue...kiss and make up...rinse and repeat. Recently, things got really bad. A lot of drama and lies and pain. It seemed as though Ash was in self destruct mode and it was put on blast for all of their facebook world to see. During this time, a lot of people tried reaching out to her to get help. A lot of people also said some pretty nasty stuff to her in an attempt to defend my brother that was being attacked with no way to defend himself. As she had many times before, she pulled the "I'll just kill myself" card. The threat was made enough that it no longer awarded her the attention she was seeking. I got to the point where I could no longer bear to watch the drama on my news feed all day every day. It was clear that asking her to stop, get some help, move on and be happy was a waste of energy. I deleted both her and my brother from my friend list. I wanted to cut the crazy out of my life. A day and a half later, I got the call that they found her body.
Guilt, sorrow and disbelief cut to the core. It couldn't be true. She's lying again, to get attention. Did she cry out for help on her page before she did it and I missed it? Could I have helped her? Did I contribute to her demise? Was I nice enough to her when I was with her? Did she know that I didn't hate her? Then came the anger and frustration. How could she be so selfish? Why would she hurt everyone like that? Where were all of her friends? Where was her family?
When I was a teenager, I was stupid. I let my depression, anger and hopelessness consume me and I took a lot of pills with hopes of falling asleep and never waking up. The next morning, I woke up and realized...I didn't want to die. I went to school and talked to the counselor and called a friend to bring me to the hospital since I was still so loopy after taking the medicine. My parents were called and things were rough for a while. I even had myself admitted to the hospital to get the help I needed. Seeing the pain on my dad's face broke my heart. When I think about all of that, it makes me sick. Not too long after that, I met Jim and the rest is history. What if I had succeeded that night that I tried to OD? I wouldn't have met Jim, my soul mate, wouldn't know the power of true love. My beautiful babies wouldn't be here.. I think that's what pisses me off so much about Ashley doing that to herself. Knowing that she'll never be able to have that now. Knowing that she was hurting so much that it was her only way out...and that she didn't value herself enough to get help.
Then there's the drugs. The shit that took her already unstable mind and brought it to the point of no return. Watching what it's done to people I know and love is awful. It consumes the lives of the people who use it. I truly hope that this horrible situation wakes them all up...helps them to snap out of their daze. There is help. There is a real life at the end of the road.
"I AM METH" (This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will so...on read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.)
Please keep praying for our Children, Teens, Young adults. Understand, this thing is worse than any of us realize...
My Name: "Is Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink. In your child's closet, and even in the woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see, But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms, your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game, If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
I will forever live with the pain and guilt that losing Ashley in such a way has caused in my soul. I will never forget the love she had for my children. Having dinner at their apartment and laughing. The joy she got from giving me the special gift she got me for Christmas. Her visiting us in the hospital when Fiona had her big seizure. I hope that time will ease the pain. I hope that I will stop thinking of her all alone in her final hours...wondering what she was thinking...damn. Poor girl. :(
This is my favorite picture of Ashley. She loved little Fi so much. She looks so happy in this pic. This is the way I want to remember her.
I heard this song...and I almost had to laugh a little at how perfect it is for this situation. We do miss you, Ashley. I'm so, so sorry. Rest in peace...I hope things are better for you, wherever you are.
