Today Iola and I took the kids to the park to play. By "the kids", I mean 4 children (2 on bikes, one in a stroller and one in a back carrier) and 2 dogs (my Shih Tzu and her Siberian Husky {the strength of that pooch is crazy}). Omg...to say it was intense is putting it lightly. We made it to the park and played for a while and fed fish and stuff and on the way home, Eoghan wiped out on his bike. So, I ended up carrying him the last block and a half...
Without a doubt, I wore out my patience along with my body this morning. It doesn't help that the kids are also tired (or tired of listening?) and being little brats. I swear, they don't want to listen unless I'm yelling. Add it all together and, well, my anxiety level is rising very fast.
It seems to me that as a parent you're not allowed to say that your kids are driving you up the wall and you need a break. If you don't put your phone down and watch your kids play at the playground you're "too plugged in". If you put yourself first ever, you're a bad parent. If you take a vacation to Florida for 5 days, you're not allowed to be driven nuts by your children within 4 days of returning.
Here's the deal: I love my children to death and I missed them terribly while I was gone. I love watching them learn and play and be kids. They DO drive me nuts...and you best believe that I need and am going to take a break when I need it (so long as my shift is covered). I take my kids to the park for hours a day every day and if I didn't just sit on my ass for a while and look at my phone while they run around, I might lose my mind. I'm not missing anything...they need to know what it's like to be a kid without mommy hovering over them every second of their lives. I need to put myself first once in a while because while I'm a Mommy, I'm still a person with my own needs.
There's a song that says: "You're going to miss this. You're going to want this back. You're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast."
I agree with that 100%. I'm going to look back on this time with fondness...and I will tell the stories of the shenanigans they got into. But the truth is, being in it right now, this shit sucks sometimes. Not every moment is a Kodak moment. Not every moment do I see a silver lining in the cloud. Some days, I want to run away. But I WILL miss this and I WILL want these days back. It's okay to not enjoy it so much 100% of the time leading up to that point. To pretend to be "one of those moms" would be a lie.
Tonight, I will go and have a drink with my friend and unwind from today. Tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after and so on, I will wake up and hope that the day is good and filled with more awesomeness than suckyness.
On that note, I need to go yell at these little fart knockers. Iola, I'll send you a bill for my torn shoulder muscles lol. Later.
Jim and I just celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. This year also happens to be our 10th year of being together. I'm pretty impressed with our awesomeness. Just sayin'. So, to celebrate, we went to Northern Vineyards in Stillwater for a wine tasting (first time ever, was pretty neat!) and then headed over to Outback for some grub. We even tried lobster(tail) for the first time ever...we've talked about trying it, but I was only on board if someone took it out of the shell and there was lemon and butter on it. OMG, it was NAAAAAASTAY! I choked the one bite I had down without barfing...but it was close. Let's just say, I don't understand the hype lol. We ended up bringing it home for the kids. (Eoghan hated it, the girls loved it) So another year under our belts, and in June we celebrate our 10th year together...I'm a lucky girl. (Love you babe)
On Wednesday I had my second appointment with the dietician (2 months down, 4 to go!) for my gastric bypass surgery. This time, she gave me a list of things I have to have mastered by surgery. Some of the stuff made me make the face above^^^. Included are:
*Eat slowly in a quiet, relaxed environment. (Haha, right.) *Take 20-30 minutes to eat each meal. (People have that kind of time?) *Take small bites and chew food to applesauce consistency. (shit's hard to do!) *Separate fluids from meals by at least 30 minutes. (I'm so parched just thinking about this one. And hello, I'm a white girl that likes to eat spicy Mexican fare...I NEED water or my mouth will burn off.) *Avoid caffeine and carbonated beverages. (Nooooo!) *Don't drink alcohol for the first year. (Fuck.)
They weren't kidding when they said "this is a total lifestyle change." :sigh: I am, committed. So let's do all of these things like they're going out of style! My birthday will be my last night of drinking. The rest just has to be "mastered" by surgery. Wish me luck.
Lily started her run for Little Miss West St. Paul. Saturday was the kickoff dinner that, well, kicked it all off. She did a little "commercial" for everyone there to promote her sponsor (Pace's Tire and Service Center)...she sang a poem to the tune of "Jack and Jill" and it was freaking ADORABLE. The girls walked around and socialized with all of the different people...I am so glad that girl is a social butterfly and has no fear of talking to people. Makes my job a lot easier. The cake we made (snicker's cake with "gold nuggets") was auctioned off and sold for $100! Lily was disappointed when she found out she didn't get to keep that money. Lily really enjoyed herself, and we're looking forward to more fun next month. Go Lily!
My dad asked me tonight if I was "running my mouth on facebook". I was pretty baffled...trying to figure out what I said that would be considered "running my mouth". After thinking of all the offensive shit I constantly say at any given moment, I then wondered, who is trying to "get me in trouble". I say it with quotes because, who is going to yell at me? Last time I checked, I was taking care of my own life as a wife and mother of 3 children whose lives I take an active role in, a grown woman that is a productive member of society and guess what!? I can vote too! I don't answer to anybody but my husband who respects me and thoughts. I want to say for people who do not like for the things I post, unfriend me. Don't read my blog. Don't ring my phone. It's fine. But don't tattle on me. If you have a problem, call me. We can talk about it...but remember, I'm allowed to be myself, regardless of who YOU want me to be. I am adult woman, hear me roar, mutha trucka! :D
Yesterday was the day I've dreaded all week. We said our final goodbyes to Ashley. It was painful to see her laying in the casket. She did not look like herself. In my mind, she would be sleeping...but the reality of what she did showed. I hope that I will be able to close my eyes and see images of in the pictures up on her memory boards instead of how she was yesterday. On top of the general pain of being there, we were not welcome there. My brother was good enough to pay for her funeral, but how dare we show up to mourn our loss. I felt the animosity all around...but it gets chalked up to me being a catty woman. Wow. Well, things were confirmed when I saw a certain person's facebook page today. It really bums me out they couldn't put aside their crap for a few hours on one day, for Ashley. I was on my best behavior...but if looks could kill, we'd have been dead 10 different ways. I even tried to bridge the gaps and make general friendly conversation...my attempts were immediately shot down. It really pisses me off that the blame is put on us that Ashley took her own life. Yes, things were said in the heat of the moment, when anger got the better of people. Ashley contributed to this...and I know that she enjoyed the drama. How could anybody know that THIS TIME she'd really do it? From the things I heard yesterday, from their own family, they couldn't handle her and got rid of her too. Don't act holier than thou, when you are no better. Where were any of you when my family was cleaning her apartment? Did any of you collect her belongings? Did any of you pick out her funeral attire? Did any of you even call to ask "how can I help out"? No. And you're right, karma is a bitch and WILL come back to bite you in the ass. I think you better look in the mirror as you recite that, honey. You are not as righteous as you think or want to pretend you are.
I am going to move on now. I have mourned my loss and I have done what I could to send her off in a nice way. When I think about Ashley, it will hurt inside...but I know that there was nothing I could do. Mental illness goes a long way and drug addiction makes it worse. Rest in peace, Ashley. I hope we did you proud.
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or know someone that is, please get help. Call someone you know and trust or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You may think that nobody cares, but the pain of losing you will affect many people.
I've spent the past 15 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. I have so many thoughts going though my head...so many emotions in my heart...everything I write is so inadequate. Where do I begin? I guess I just have to dive in...
My brother and Ashley never had what I would call a healthy relationship. He wasn't emotionally available and was fresh out of prison. She was obsessive and unstable mentally/emotionally. On again, off again. He said, she said...fight and argue...kiss and make up...rinse and repeat. Recently, things got really bad. A lot of drama and lies and pain. It seemed as though Ash was in self destruct mode and it was put on blast for all of their facebook world to see. During this time, a lot of people tried reaching out to her to get help. A lot of people also said some pretty nasty stuff to her in an attempt to defend my brother that was being attacked with no way to defend himself. As she had many times before, she pulled the "I'll just kill myself" card. The threat was made enough that it no longer awarded her the attention she was seeking. I got to the point where I could no longer bear to watch the drama on my news feed all day every day. It was clear that asking her to stop, get some help, move on and be happy was a waste of energy. I deleted both her and my brother from my friend list. I wanted to cut the crazy out of my life. A day and a half later, I got the call that they found her body.
Guilt, sorrow and disbelief cut to the core. It couldn't be true. She's lying again, to get attention. Did she cry out for help on her page before she did it and I missed it? Could I have helped her? Did I contribute to her demise? Was I nice enough to her when I was with her? Did she know that I didn't hate her? Then came the anger and frustration. How could she be so selfish? Why would she hurt everyone like that? Where were all of her friends? Where was her family?
When I was a teenager, I was stupid. I let my depression, anger and hopelessness consume me and I took a lot of pills with hopes of falling asleep and never waking up. The next morning, I woke up and realized...I didn't want to die. I went to school and talked to the counselor and called a friend to bring me to the hospital since I was still so loopy after taking the medicine. My parents were called and things were rough for a while. I even had myself admitted to the hospital to get the help I needed. Seeing the pain on my dad's face broke my heart. When I think about all of that, it makes me sick. Not too long after that, I met Jim and the rest is history. What if I had succeeded that night that I tried to OD? I wouldn't have met Jim, my soul mate, wouldn't know the power of true love. My beautiful babies wouldn't be here.. I think that's what pisses me off so much about Ashley doing that to herself. Knowing that she'll never be able to have that now. Knowing that she was hurting so much that it was her only way out...and that she didn't value herself enough to get help.
Then there's the drugs. The shit that took her already unstable mind and brought it to the point of no return. Watching what it's done to people I know and love is awful. It consumes the lives of the people who use it. I truly hope that this horrible situation wakes them all up...helps them to snap out of their daze. There is help. There is a real life at the end of the road.
"I AM METH" (This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will so...on read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.)
Please keep praying for our Children, Teens, Young adults. Understand, this thing is worse than any of us realize...
My Name: "Is Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink. In your child's closet, and even in the woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see, But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms, your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game, If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
I will forever live with the pain and guilt that losing Ashley in such a way has caused in my soul. I will never forget the love she had for my children. Having dinner at their apartment and laughing. The joy she got from giving me the special gift she got me for Christmas. Her visiting us in the hospital when Fiona had her big seizure. I hope that time will ease the pain. I hope that I will stop thinking of her all alone in her final hours...wondering what she was thinking...damn. Poor girl. :(
This is my favorite picture of Ashley. She loved little Fi so much. She looks so happy in this pic. This is the way I want to remember her.
I heard this song...and I almost had to laugh a little at how perfect it is for this situation. We do miss you, Ashley. I'm so, so sorry. Rest in peace...I hope things are better for you, wherever you are.
