A few days ago, I got a call that rocked my world. My brother's fiancé was found dead. She took her own life. Now let's back it up a little bit.
My brother and Ashley never had what I would call a healthy relationship. He wasn't emotionally available and was fresh out of prison. She was obsessive and unstable mentally/emotionally. On again, off again. He said, she said...fight and argue...kiss and make up...rinse and repeat. Recently, things got really bad. A lot of drama and lies and pain. It seemed as though Ash was in self destruct mode and it was put on blast for all of their facebook world to see. During this time, a lot of people tried reaching out to her to get help. A lot of people also said some pretty nasty stuff to her in an attempt to defend my brother that was being attacked with no way to defend himself. As she had many times before, she pulled the "I'll just kill myself" card. The threat was made enough that it no longer awarded her the attention she was seeking. I got to the point where I could no longer bear to watch the drama on my news feed all day every day. It was clear that asking her to stop, get some help, move on and be happy was a waste of energy. I deleted both her and my brother from my friend list. I wanted to cut the crazy out of my life. A day and a half later, I got the call that they found her body.
Guilt, sorrow and disbelief cut to the core. It couldn't be true. She's lying again, to get attention. Did she cry out for help on her page before she did it and I missed it? Could I have helped her? Did I contribute to her demise? Was I nice enough to her when I was with her? Did she know that I didn't hate her? Then came the anger and frustration. How could she be so selfish? Why would she hurt everyone like that? Where were all of her friends? Where was her family?
When I was a teenager, I was stupid. I let my depression, anger and hopelessness consume me and I took a lot of pills with hopes of falling asleep and never waking up. The next morning, I woke up and realized...I didn't want to die. I went to school and talked to the counselor and called a friend to bring me to the hospital since I was still so loopy after taking the medicine. My parents were called and things were rough for a while. I even had myself admitted to the hospital to get the help I needed. Seeing the pain on my dad's face broke my heart. When I think about all of that, it makes me sick. Not too long after that, I met Jim and the rest is history. What if I had succeeded that night that I tried to OD? I wouldn't have met Jim, my soul mate, wouldn't know the power of true love. My beautiful babies wouldn't be here.. I think that's what pisses me off so much about Ashley doing that to herself. Knowing that she'll never be able to have that now. Knowing that she was hurting so much that it was her only way out...and that she didn't value herself enough to get help.
Then there's the drugs. The shit that took her already unstable mind and brought it to the point of no return. Watching what it's done to people I know and love is awful. It consumes the lives of the people who use it. I truly hope that this horrible situation wakes them all up...helps them to snap out of their daze. There is help. There is a real life at the end of the road.
"I AM METH"
(This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug
charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will
so...on read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this
simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her
story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the
needle still in her arm.)
Please keep praying for our Children, Teens, Young adults. Understand,
this thing is worse than any of us realize...
My Name: "Is Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms,
your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
(This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug
charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will
so...on read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this
simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her
story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the
needle still in her arm.)
Please keep praying for our Children, Teens, Young adults. Understand,
this thing is worse than any of us realize...
My Name: "Is Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms,
your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
I will forever live with the pain and guilt that losing Ashley in such a way has caused in my soul. I will never forget the love she had for my children. Having dinner at their apartment and laughing. The joy she got from giving me the special gift she got me for Christmas. Her visiting us in the hospital when Fiona had her big seizure. I hope that time will ease the pain. I hope that I will stop thinking of her all alone in her final hours...wondering what she was thinking...damn. Poor girl. :(
This is my favorite picture of Ashley. She loved little Fi so much. She looks so happy in this pic. This is the way I want to remember her.
I heard this song...and I almost had to laugh a little at how perfect it is for this situation. We do miss you, Ashley. I'm so, so sorry. Rest in peace...I hope things are better for you, wherever you are.
1 comment:
You brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the loss of Ashley. I don't know her but this is the harsh reality of addiction. Jen, I am truly so proud of you for seeing what everything had done to our family and making the choice to do different. may you all be strong enough to make it through and may Ashley rest in peace, no pain, no addictions, just free.
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