Today Iola and I took the kids to the park to play. By "the kids", I mean 4 children (2 on bikes, one in a stroller and one in a back carrier) and 2 dogs (my Shih Tzu and her Siberian Husky {the strength of that pooch is crazy}). Omg...to say it was intense is putting it lightly. We made it to the park and played for a while and fed fish and stuff and on the way home, Eoghan wiped out on his bike. So, I ended up carrying him the last block and a half...
Without a doubt, I wore out my patience along with my body this morning. It doesn't help that the kids are also tired (or tired of listening?) and being little brats. I swear, they don't want to listen unless I'm yelling. Add it all together and, well, my anxiety level is rising very fast.
It seems to me that as a parent you're not allowed to say that your kids are driving you up the wall and you need a break. If you don't put your phone down and watch your kids play at the playground you're "too plugged in". If you put yourself first ever, you're a bad parent. If you take a vacation to Florida for 5 days, you're not allowed to be driven nuts by your children within 4 days of returning.
Here's the deal: I love my children to death and I missed them terribly while I was gone. I love watching them learn and play and be kids. They DO drive me nuts...and you best believe that I need and am going to take a break when I need it (so long as my shift is covered). I take my kids to the park for hours a day every day and if I didn't just sit on my ass for a while and look at my phone while they run around, I might lose my mind. I'm not missing anything...they need to know what it's like to be a kid without mommy hovering over them every second of their lives. I need to put myself first once in a while because while I'm a Mommy, I'm still a person with my own needs.
There's a song that says: "You're going to miss this. You're going to want this back. You're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast."
I agree with that 100%. I'm going to look back on this time with fondness...and I will tell the stories of the shenanigans they got into. But the truth is, being in it right now, this shit sucks sometimes. Not every moment is a Kodak moment. Not every moment do I see a silver lining in the cloud. Some days, I want to run away. But I WILL miss this and I WILL want these days back. It's okay to not enjoy it so much 100% of the time leading up to that point. To pretend to be "one of those moms" would be a lie.
Tonight, I will go and have a drink with my friend and unwind from today. Tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after and so on, I will wake up and hope that the day is good and filled with more awesomeness than suckyness.
On that note, I need to go yell at these little fart knockers. Iola, I'll send you a bill for my torn shoulder muscles lol. Later.
Jim and I just celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. This year also happens to be our 10th year of being together. I'm pretty impressed with our awesomeness. Just sayin'. So, to celebrate, we went to Northern Vineyards in Stillwater for a wine tasting (first time ever, was pretty neat!) and then headed over to Outback for some grub. We even tried lobster(tail) for the first time ever...we've talked about trying it, but I was only on board if someone took it out of the shell and there was lemon and butter on it. OMG, it was NAAAAAASTAY! I choked the one bite I had down without barfing...but it was close. Let's just say, I don't understand the hype lol. We ended up bringing it home for the kids. (Eoghan hated it, the girls loved it) So another year under our belts, and in June we celebrate our 10th year together...I'm a lucky girl. (Love you babe)
On Wednesday I had my second appointment with the dietician (2 months down, 4 to go!) for my gastric bypass surgery. This time, she gave me a list of things I have to have mastered by surgery. Some of the stuff made me make the face above^^^. Included are:
*Eat slowly in a quiet, relaxed environment. (Haha, right.) *Take 20-30 minutes to eat each meal. (People have that kind of time?) *Take small bites and chew food to applesauce consistency. (shit's hard to do!) *Separate fluids from meals by at least 30 minutes. (I'm so parched just thinking about this one. And hello, I'm a white girl that likes to eat spicy Mexican fare...I NEED water or my mouth will burn off.) *Avoid caffeine and carbonated beverages. (Nooooo!) *Don't drink alcohol for the first year. (Fuck.)
They weren't kidding when they said "this is a total lifestyle change." :sigh: I am, committed. So let's do all of these things like they're going out of style! My birthday will be my last night of drinking. The rest just has to be "mastered" by surgery. Wish me luck.
Lily started her run for Little Miss West St. Paul. Saturday was the kickoff dinner that, well, kicked it all off. She did a little "commercial" for everyone there to promote her sponsor (Pace's Tire and Service Center)...she sang a poem to the tune of "Jack and Jill" and it was freaking ADORABLE. The girls walked around and socialized with all of the different people...I am so glad that girl is a social butterfly and has no fear of talking to people. Makes my job a lot easier. The cake we made (snicker's cake with "gold nuggets") was auctioned off and sold for $100! Lily was disappointed when she found out she didn't get to keep that money. Lily really enjoyed herself, and we're looking forward to more fun next month. Go Lily!
My dad asked me tonight if I was "running my mouth on facebook". I was pretty baffled...trying to figure out what I said that would be considered "running my mouth". After thinking of all the offensive shit I constantly say at any given moment, I then wondered, who is trying to "get me in trouble". I say it with quotes because, who is going to yell at me? Last time I checked, I was taking care of my own life as a wife and mother of 3 children whose lives I take an active role in, a grown woman that is a productive member of society and guess what!? I can vote too! I don't answer to anybody but my husband who respects me and thoughts. I want to say for people who do not like for the things I post, unfriend me. Don't read my blog. Don't ring my phone. It's fine. But don't tattle on me. If you have a problem, call me. We can talk about it...but remember, I'm allowed to be myself, regardless of who YOU want me to be. I am adult woman, hear me roar, mutha trucka! :D
Yesterday was the day I've dreaded all week. We said our final goodbyes to Ashley. It was painful to see her laying in the casket. She did not look like herself. In my mind, she would be sleeping...but the reality of what she did showed. I hope that I will be able to close my eyes and see images of in the pictures up on her memory boards instead of how she was yesterday. On top of the general pain of being there, we were not welcome there. My brother was good enough to pay for her funeral, but how dare we show up to mourn our loss. I felt the animosity all around...but it gets chalked up to me being a catty woman. Wow. Well, things were confirmed when I saw a certain person's facebook page today. It really bums me out they couldn't put aside their crap for a few hours on one day, for Ashley. I was on my best behavior...but if looks could kill, we'd have been dead 10 different ways. I even tried to bridge the gaps and make general friendly conversation...my attempts were immediately shot down. It really pisses me off that the blame is put on us that Ashley took her own life. Yes, things were said in the heat of the moment, when anger got the better of people. Ashley contributed to this...and I know that she enjoyed the drama. How could anybody know that THIS TIME she'd really do it? From the things I heard yesterday, from their own family, they couldn't handle her and got rid of her too. Don't act holier than thou, when you are no better. Where were any of you when my family was cleaning her apartment? Did any of you collect her belongings? Did any of you pick out her funeral attire? Did any of you even call to ask "how can I help out"? No. And you're right, karma is a bitch and WILL come back to bite you in the ass. I think you better look in the mirror as you recite that, honey. You are not as righteous as you think or want to pretend you are.
I am going to move on now. I have mourned my loss and I have done what I could to send her off in a nice way. When I think about Ashley, it will hurt inside...but I know that there was nothing I could do. Mental illness goes a long way and drug addiction makes it worse. Rest in peace, Ashley. I hope we did you proud.
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or know someone that is, please get help. Call someone you know and trust or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You may think that nobody cares, but the pain of losing you will affect many people.
I've spent the past 15 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. I have so many thoughts going though my head...so many emotions in my heart...everything I write is so inadequate. Where do I begin? I guess I just have to dive in...
My brother and Ashley never had what I would call a healthy relationship. He wasn't emotionally available and was fresh out of prison. She was obsessive and unstable mentally/emotionally. On again, off again. He said, she said...fight and argue...kiss and make up...rinse and repeat. Recently, things got really bad. A lot of drama and lies and pain. It seemed as though Ash was in self destruct mode and it was put on blast for all of their facebook world to see. During this time, a lot of people tried reaching out to her to get help. A lot of people also said some pretty nasty stuff to her in an attempt to defend my brother that was being attacked with no way to defend himself. As she had many times before, she pulled the "I'll just kill myself" card. The threat was made enough that it no longer awarded her the attention she was seeking. I got to the point where I could no longer bear to watch the drama on my news feed all day every day. It was clear that asking her to stop, get some help, move on and be happy was a waste of energy. I deleted both her and my brother from my friend list. I wanted to cut the crazy out of my life. A day and a half later, I got the call that they found her body.
Guilt, sorrow and disbelief cut to the core. It couldn't be true. She's lying again, to get attention. Did she cry out for help on her page before she did it and I missed it? Could I have helped her? Did I contribute to her demise? Was I nice enough to her when I was with her? Did she know that I didn't hate her? Then came the anger and frustration. How could she be so selfish? Why would she hurt everyone like that? Where were all of her friends? Where was her family?
When I was a teenager, I was stupid. I let my depression, anger and hopelessness consume me and I took a lot of pills with hopes of falling asleep and never waking up. The next morning, I woke up and realized...I didn't want to die. I went to school and talked to the counselor and called a friend to bring me to the hospital since I was still so loopy after taking the medicine. My parents were called and things were rough for a while. I even had myself admitted to the hospital to get the help I needed. Seeing the pain on my dad's face broke my heart. When I think about all of that, it makes me sick. Not too long after that, I met Jim and the rest is history. What if I had succeeded that night that I tried to OD? I wouldn't have met Jim, my soul mate, wouldn't know the power of true love. My beautiful babies wouldn't be here.. I think that's what pisses me off so much about Ashley doing that to herself. Knowing that she'll never be able to have that now. Knowing that she was hurting so much that it was her only way out...and that she didn't value herself enough to get help.
Then there's the drugs. The shit that took her already unstable mind and brought it to the point of no return. Watching what it's done to people I know and love is awful. It consumes the lives of the people who use it. I truly hope that this horrible situation wakes them all up...helps them to snap out of their daze. There is help. There is a real life at the end of the road.
"I AM METH" (This was written by a young Indian girl who was in jail for drug charges, and was addicted to meth. She wrote this while in jail. As you will so...on read, she fully grasped the horrors of the drug, as she tells in this simple, yet profound poem. She was released from jail, but, true to her story, the drug owned her. They found her dead not long after, with the needle still in her arm.)
Please keep praying for our Children, Teens, Young adults. Understand, this thing is worse than any of us realize...
My Name: "Is Meth"
I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink. In your child's closet, and even in the woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see, But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms, your lungs your nose.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game, If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
I will forever live with the pain and guilt that losing Ashley in such a way has caused in my soul. I will never forget the love she had for my children. Having dinner at their apartment and laughing. The joy she got from giving me the special gift she got me for Christmas. Her visiting us in the hospital when Fiona had her big seizure. I hope that time will ease the pain. I hope that I will stop thinking of her all alone in her final hours...wondering what she was thinking...damn. Poor girl. :(
This is my favorite picture of Ashley. She loved little Fi so much. She looks so happy in this pic. This is the way I want to remember her.
I heard this song...and I almost had to laugh a little at how perfect it is for this situation. We do miss you, Ashley. I'm so, so sorry. Rest in peace...I hope things are better for you, wherever you are.
“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” –Life’s Little Instruction Book As I've mentioned in other posts, I'm getting ready to make some very big changes in my life. Let me tell you now, I am scared to death. When I stop to actually think about doing these things...I start having a panic attack. Then I think about how it makes me feel to doubt myself so much that I panic...and I get very sad. Everybody should trust in themselves. Why don't I? “By changing nothing, nothing changes.” -Tony Robbins
Last night I went to the mandatory weight loss surgery informational meeting to learn about all of my options and ask any questions I had. It was a really great class/meeting and I left there confident in my decision to get the surgery. Now comes "the process". I have my first appointment next week with the dietician. She will help me begin a 6 month, monitored diet. During that time I will meet with a psych doc to make sure I'm mentally fit to be able to take care of myself and understand what is required of me both during and after surgery. The whole thing is expected to take between 6 and 8 months. I am beyond excited. I'm excited to be the best me I can be.
“All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” –Walt Disney One of the things the speaker/surgeon said was, "Think about why you want this surgery. Why you want to lose weight." Really? I think every fat person...every morbidly obese person...has thought about that every day that they've been fat. So, I sat down today and I started writing. Such a simple question, such a complex answer. I ended up writing 4 pages before I made myself wrap it up. It's amazing how deep the weight problems go, and where they even begin. It's funny, but while writing my "essay" as I will now call it and filling out my paperwork, I quoted Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movie, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat." The most appropriate quote on this blog. “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” –A.A. Milne Like many others, I've been saying for years that I should go back to school. It's been 10 years since I graduated high school and I'm super afraid to go back to school. Well, after a month of saying (after years of saying it) "I'm going to request more info about the programs." I finally did it. I bit the bullet and I went online to request the information. No, I didn't call them, because I'm passive aggressive lol. Well, about 30 minutes after I submitted my info, I go the first call from Globe and set up a meeting with her to talk about the program and stuff. Within 2 minutes of hanging up, I shit you not, Argosy called me. So the next couple of weeks, I get to find out which school wants me more and is willing to jump through the most hoops to get me grants to pay for college. OMG!
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” –Unknown
So, in a a year or 2, I will be in a different place in my life. I'm ready for the changes. I'm ready to give my children a mom to be proud of...a mom that can physically keep up with them. Now when I tell my children to go to college, I won't be a hypocrite. When I tell them, nothing will change if you don't change it, I'll have some morbidly obese examples for them (that was supposed to be funny, laugh.) Up until that point though, there will be many ups and downs...many tears spilled...many hours of babysitting needed...As was said by Will Smith, "If you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success."
I hope to see you all there.
“Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.” -Walter Anderson
So much going on in my life right now...where to start...
Recently, Jim said I could go (I decided I was going to go) to Florida for a "saving Jenny's sanity" trip. We booked the flight last night, so in a month, I'll be heading to paradise. I'll head into the airport (have I mentioned that I've never been on a plane before? Never been into an airport?) and be like:
And then I'm going to spend a few awesome days with my home slice and her family, doing things that you can only do on vacation without children. (Is it weird that I was like "I don't have kids, I should go to Disney World!"?!? Because that thought really did cross my mind lol) I'm going to lay on the soft, white, sandy beach and swim in the deep, blue ocean (and hopefully not be eaten by sharks, stung by a jelly fish or sting ray or sucked into a sink hole) and then at the end of my time, I'm going to arrive in MN and be like:
Then, after we bought a plane ticket last night, today I end up wondering:
Because of this:
For the past few weeks, any time I chew gum, it seems like the gum gets stuck between two of my back teeth. Monday night, I was at my mom's and it felt like my filling was falling apart or my tooth was breaking. I made an appointment and today I went in. Turns out that there was some decay underneath the filling that was there, and it caused my tooth to rot and eventually break. Sexy, huh? So the Doc was messing around and plucked out a piece of tooth and said "well, I don't have time to fix it today, so just keep it really clean." Um, say what!? I have to live with this big hole in my tooth and now that I know it's there, I'll keep touching it with my tongue and getting super grossed out and almost barfing? Yeah, thanks. Even better, is that he wants to put a crown on it. Pro? I have dual dental insurance. Con? Only one insurance company covers crowns, and they only cover half. What does it all mean? I need to come up with almost $700 by Monday to cover the crown, up front. I was also informed that our family bill was outstanding at $1,600.00!! After being transferred and told to try a different person/place, I got it mostly figured out, and we should be in much better shape, debt-wise, come next week when we all have exams and cleanings scheduled. I now hate dealing with insurance companies and snotty ass receptionists. (not like I didn't before, but today was a whole lot worse than the usual crap)
Tomorrow, after another trip to the dentist for a routine cleaning and exam (where I'm guessing they'll tell me there's a giant hole in my tooth hahaha), I'm going to go for a starter meeting to start the process of getting bariatric surgery. Before anyone freaks out and tells me why I shouldn't do it. I know the risks. I know I'm "fine the way I am". I know there are other ways to lose the weight. But after considering it for a while and now hitting a little over 100 pounds over what I "should" be for my height.My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 43.5. A Normal/healthy BMI, at the high end is 24.9. I'm at the point now, where I need help to make the necessary changes. A huge perk to getting it done is that I have to quit smoking to have the surgery done. At least that's the kick in the ass I needed to quit. Think happy thoughts and send me good ju ju. I need support from any and all willing to give it. :)
We are getting ready to start everything for the Little Miss West St. Paul program for Lily. I'm so psyched for her. (which reminds me, Anita, if you're reading this, we need to set up a day to come try on dresses! We have spring break next week!) I keep thinking that I wish I knew what was going to happen. If she gets it, I'm obligated to do a lot this summer. If not, I want to get the kids into a sport or a camp. This is our first summer off in 3 years. I am pumped!!!
Anywho, that's enough for now. I've overloaded your "care".
You know the talk that every parent dreads...the one about the birds and the bees...the one that is inevitable...and just the thought of it makes your palms sweat, your heart race and the bile rise in your throat...and then, before you're ready, it's time to give it? Yeah...our time ran out yesterday. Thankfully for me, a couple weeks ago in ECFE, we had a professional sex educator come to speak to our class about how to talk to our kids about it. Honestly, if it weren't for that class, I think I would have had a heart attack. I'm no Dr. Ruth. Talking about "it" embarrasses and freaks me out. It makes me all:
So, when I saw that the boy was looking up pictures of nekked people on the computer, I pooped my pants a little. I made Jim go to the book store to pick up a book that was recommended to help us out Then at dinner, we casually started asking questions and finding out what our children knew of *gulp* sex.
Kids hear and see so much stuff day to day in and out of our homes that they are bound to have some sort of knowledge, accurate and not. Thank you Bruno Mars ("Your sex takes me to paradise") and "Gangnam Style" ("Hey sexy lady) and every Katy Perry song for creating a catchy tune that my children listen to on the school bus where there are other children talking about what they've heard about sex. My children were...confused...about a majority of it all. Things I learned that they "knew" really blew my mind.
So here's the thing...I've been called a prude for my...very conservative views on sex. So trying to explain what strippers are to my children who were misinformed about "the poles", was not an easy task for me. I quickly dug myself into a hole...and it wasn't pretty. Along with teaching your kids about sex, you also teach them your values...and since my values border on prudish, as I've been told (which apparently is a bad thing?), I guess I'm just not a great candidate as a teacher...but I have to try. Thankfully, "the talk" isn't really just one talk, it's an ongoing series of small talks, I have time to learn and prepare for the more. I'm also assuming that it's not cool to show them "The Goonies" and tell them that "Sloth" is a product of incest?
So after we had the whole "when a man and a woman love each other and want to get married after they finish college and start a career, they give each other a special hug and the man's sperm mixes with the woman's egg and a baby is created" (don't worry my homosexual friends, the "same sex relationship" talk will come another day, you haven't been left out) and lots of new rules for playing games online have been established, I am feeling confident we did a pretty good job of it all.
What did I hope to accomplish with this blog aside from embarrassing you all with my dirty words? I wanted to give all of my friends with small children something to look forward to. I wanted to warn you all that we have told our children about things and that they could potentially "inform" your children, forcing you to have the talk with your own. (We told them that it was not their place to tell anyone about sexual information they "know" and if anyone asks to tell them to ask their parents. We all know how kids work...this will likely not happen, but we tried.) So there it is. May you spend your day wondering when your day will come. Bwahahahahahahahhahahahaha.
Monday morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and sinus pressure. Pretty sure I was dealing with a sinus infection, I hung around the house blowing my nose. Around 4, I blew my nose and my ears filled with pressure and needed to pop, but wouldn't. I tried blowing my nose more and yawning and then took to facebook to ask for help. Nothing worked. It hurt once in a while, like being stabbed in the ear, but the pain would come and go. Around 8 pm, the kids and I were cuddling on the couch watching a movie when all of a sudden my ear was killing me. The pain was so intense, all I could do was cry. I took some meds and hunkered down with a box of Kleenex. Thankfully, Jim came home early and I went and took a hot shower. It helped a little, but as soon as I got out, it was back to all out pain. I went to bed to try to sleep it off. Yeah, that didn't happen. I basically laid in bed for 2 hours crying like a baby. I finally got to the point where I would rather die than live with that pain any longer, so I called my mom to come bring me to the ER. Keep in mind that it's been snowing and is we are in the middle of a March blizzard that ended up leaving the Twin Cities with 9 1/2 inches of snow. I'm so happy my parents have 4 wheel drive in their awesome new suv...we were cruising past people in ditches and others that were creeping along the freeway. Anywho, we get to the ER and I go in and I throw up (thank you pain) and they bring me straight back to a room...I waited about 2 minutes before the doctor came in to check me out. Diagnosis: inner and outer ear infection. Wow, intense... (Google swimmer's ear, some scary shit)
So he hooks me up with some pain killers and sends me on my way with prescriptions. I was going to get them filled at the hospital, but I wasn't going to wait for an hour and a half. The rents came to pick me up and we head up to Walgreen's. By this point I'm exhausted from being in pain and crying for hours and throwing up several times PLUS the pain meds PLUS it's 1 in the morning. The pharmacy calls me to say I don't have insuranc and the meds will be around $300. Hahahahahahahhaha...yeah, I can't afford $300...even if insurance does end up covering it after I file an appeal, I don't have $300 right now. So they call the doc and end up getting different meds, that are not nearly as awesome and bad ass, but they cost only $80...I'll take it! Let me just say, I'm so grateful for modern medicine.
Tuesday was kind of a blur. I was on pain killers and sick as a dog to boot... Thank the snow gods for a snow day. I can't imagine going to get Eoghan from the bus stop while being so sick and loopy. I slept off and on most of the day on the couch while the kids watched tv and ate candy. My little Lily is getting to be such a big girl. She helped me so much with her brother and sister and taking care of me too. At one point, I was on the couch and I woke up to her putting a blanket on me. Seriously...I have some amazing children. Then there's Jim...who has been so wonderful letting me sleep and rest and be a whiny little baby. Any mom knows how much it sucks to get sick and how much harder it is to recover when you can't rest and take care of yourself. Today we got stuck going to the DMV and grocery store, which sucked the life right out of me. I'm hoping this crap goes away soon. It's cruel and unusual punishment to have a sinus infection on top of an ear infection. Every time I blow my nose, my ear pops and hurts so bad.
I hear the meds and my bed calling me now...it is time to pass the eff out. If this post doesn't make sense, it's not my fault. I'm tired, in pain, can't hear, breathe, taste or smell...so obviously it's one of those things faults. :D
A couple weeks ago, I saw a meme on facebook that said (I can't find the pic so I have to wing it) basically that being a parent means that you don't go drinking until 3 in the morning and instead staying home with your children...a good parent puts their child/ren first. This started me thinking. Then, Jim and I were watching "My Strange Addiction" and the one mother (that was addicted to eating fabric dryer sheets) said wondered if she was a horrible mother for teaching her children the habit (she did NOT let her children eat them, in fact it seemed like she was a pretty good mom!). It was then that it hit me. Good parents are the ones that worry that they're bad parents...worry that they're screwing their kids up.
Bad parents "know" that they're the best parents out there and that they're doing everything right. There is no such thing as a perfect parent...we're all just human. It's hard to raise another person in general, but to try to be perfect is setting yourself up for disappointment. Obviously in this highly political area, there are so many opinions...and even more people ready to jump down your throat because they don't agree with your parenting style. Just remember:
That being said, let me share my stink with you!
There are people that believe:
There is some truth to this...but I would say more that when you're a good parent you always have your child/ren's best interest in mind. A good parent cannot possibly put their child first all the time. Sometimes a person has to put THEMSELVES first. Sometimes. Not all of the time. Don't lose yourself or put yourself last all the time. Mommy/Daddy need a break from that once in a while. This is where the above mentioned fb meme comes into play. Everyone has a bad day at work. This also applies to the SAHM/SAHD...a lot of adults go out and have a few drinks after a shitty day at work. Taking a night off to blow some steam is perfectly acceptable...as long as it's not every night and you're still back at work by the next morning, then who the freak cares.
You don't have to be a crafty mom to spend time with your children. You don't have to be an overbearing parent to be a present parent. Your kids need you...they need you to love them and teach them how to be safe and how to function in society. Don't let them run wild as children...you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of picking up the pieces. Know where your children are at all times, know their friends and their friends' parents. (age appropriateness applies, obviously...I haven't hit the teen years so I can't coach anyone, but I'm assuming the same parenting principles apply.) Ask questions, demand answers. Remember, you are the parent.
If there's one thing I've learned in the past 7 1/2 years (and honestly, I've just recently realized it) is that everywhere you go, there are parents there that have been where you are now. Your kid is screaming bloody murder over that candy you won't let them get and everyone is looking at you? They're not (not all at least, there are still assholes in the world, sad but true) judging you...they're looking at you with sympathy because they too have been there. They're looking at you and willing you the strength to not give in. Be strong...but pick your battles. Never let them see you cry...wait until you get to the car lol.
I started calling ours "backpacks with tails" to make it seem a little less...true lol. The people giving you dirty looks for using these fall into one of these categories: has no children, has only 1 child and is not yet outnumbered, has never had to take multiple children out into a crowded public place by themselves while each child runs in a different direction or is a rude bitch. There are times and places for a backpack with a tail...like when you're taking two toddlers to the crowded zoo by yourself and you don't want to lose a child. Of course, you could also have a child like mine, that decides she wants to be a dog and gets down on the ground and starts barking and pretending to pee on things while you are holding the leash. Don't freak out. Laugh and tell your child how observant they are and how great their pretending skills are. For anyone who is still looking at you with that judgey "omg" look, I have one word of advice for you to give them, have you heard the word?
Don't ever be a DFI (dumb fucking idiot) and dress your child in something like this. It is sick and twisted. Anything that sexualizes your child or ANY child in any way, shape or form is wrong. Prepare for well deserved backlash and hopefully CPS on your doorstep. IMO it includes shorts/skirts that are too short, bathing suits that are too skimpy, thong and low rise underwear (seriously, who makes low rise underwear for 4 year olds? Better yet, who actually buys them!?) and sexual dance moves (nobody but child molesters want to see your child shake their ass like a hoochie at a dance club).
Last but not least (for this blog post anyway):
It's bittersweet that everything begins at home. Start your child/ren off the right way by teaching them respect for others AND themselves. Simple stuff, like: please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, I'm sorry. This is probably the best advice any person can give or receive in regards to raising a child...hell...it's never too late for an adult to strive to be better at these things. Show your children the way...you only have one shot at showing them the "right way".
Now get off the computer and go play with your kids. ;)
With so much in our lives changing lately, I've been wondering what's going to happen next. Over the years I've considered going back to school, but have been too afraid to really do anything about it. Can I afford it? Can I pull off the time I need to devote to school and home work? What do I want to be when I grow up? Now that 2 out of the 3 kids are in school, it should be easier...at least easier to find a sitter for 1 lol. So tonight did a little thinking, and I've decided that a career in vet tech is the right path for me. Now I get to bug every person I know that is currently taking college courses and ask them every question I can think of to start the ball rolling. I found a few different schools around the cities that offer vet tech programs...but I don't know anything about the schools. I know I've heard horror stories of some of the schools around and want to make sure I don't go there. What I've found is Globe, Minnesota School of Business and Argosy. Anybody have anything to say about those schools?? Do I think I could handle going back to school after all these years? I'm deathly afraid that I'm not smart enough to do it lol. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of owing tons of money. But then I start to imagine the cool job I could get after I have a degree...all of the cute little animals I will be able to work with. The potential money I could save by taking care of my pets myself. So many pros...I need guidance. I guess that's why they have special guidance counselors at the schools to help the confused moms trying to get back in the learning game. Hopefully I'll get some input from anybody that reads my blogs and can help me out...otherwise...I'm thinking I'll be calling around to the schools and finding out some information. Eeek. Wish me luck!!
You can ask for help and receive none only so many times before you give up on people. I've asked and begged for help the past couple weeks and I can count on one hand how many people have been there for us. Next time anybody needs help, don't you dare ask me. I've been losing my fucking mind. I'm at the point now where I feel broken. Simple shit, like helping me move some boxes or watching the kids for an hour or even just asking how I'm doing and letting me bitch about how much things suck right now...that's what I needed. No, that's too much to ask. I guess by being so strong for so long, this is what I get. Time for me to do some soul searching and cut the losers and users out of my life. If I don't return your calls or texts and suddenly you can't find me on fb, it's safe to assume you're one of the many. Snip, snip mother fucker.
Yesterday was a pretty craptastic day for me, complete with mental breakdown. So, when Jim got home, I was ready to go to my friend's (Leticia) thirty one party and forget about my woes. After the party, a different friend (Sara) asks if we want to go do karaoke. Sure, sounds fun! So we head out to the bar. On the way, Leticia mentions again how much she hates driving in St. Paul (which is weird, because everyone knows Minneapolis is scary and St. Paul is fine). A few minutes later, she starts chanting "Is this really happening? Is this really happening to me?" Thinking her brain damage is coming out (she has a really bad bout of meningitis a few months ago which resulted in a horrible seizure and we then blamed any odd behavior on that, like good friends do), I'm like "Yes, this IS happening...!?!?" Then I look and there's an ambulance coming up behind us. She's freaking out like "What do I do!?" and decides to get off on the exit right by us...which just so happens to be the exit to Regions hospital...and the ambulance followed us onto the exit. She's freaking out because the guy in front of her won't go faster so we can get out of the way, and we can't pull over. Thankfully we were able to get out of the way and the ambulance turned. But that started out the night's LOL moments. We get to the bar finally...and on the way in we argue over which of us is the better friend.(random, but relevant to the story) So the four of us (Leticia, Sarah, Michelle (Sarah's friend) and myself) are sitting at the table and have a shot and start laughing at something. That's when the real action began... all of a sudden Leticia is puking all over the table (note, I'm laughing hysterically as I type this). I hop up and try to help her, but it's not stopping...and neither is my laughter.
Sara and Michelle are laughing and then Sara starts puking all over too!! I'm suddenly reminded of the scene from "Stand By Me", if you know what I'm talking about, you're laughing too. Sara takes off out onto the patio and Leticia (who finally stops barfing but is COVERED in it) runs to the bathroom. I grab up all of the purses and jackets and explain to the waitress that my friend isn't drunk, she choked on her shot. I get to the bathroom and give Leticia my shirt...and officially make myself the better friend, because I literally gave her the shirt off my back. Oh snap. So she comes out of the bathroom stall and says "I fucking pissed my pants." OMG!!! I can't believe this is actually happening. It's probably the funniest night of my life. I've forgotten all about the bs that happened earlier in the day. Thank you girls, for puking all over the place and wetting yourselves. And just remember,
So now, we're headed home and we're laughing about everything and Leticia asks what I was going to sing. I was going to sing "Ironic" by Alanis. I shit you not, the song on the radio wraps up and on comes "Ironic". It was the most ironic moment ever.
Thank you universe for sharing last night with me. :)
This morning Eoghan had a doctor's appointment and afterward, on the way to school, we stopped at Burger King for some breakfast. The BK we went to is one that I worked at a couple times as a teenager, and I was there my senior year of high school (10 years ago). One of my coworkers was a woman I grew up with as a neighbor and we reconnected when I started working at the BK. So this morning, we go through the drive through, and the woman taking my order was the same lady from years before! I didn't say anything because if she didn't remember me, I didn't want it to be awkward lol. She took my money and when she came back to the window she asked "Are you the Jenny that used to live across the street and work here?" Yup, it's me. How goes it? I couldn't believe she recognized me. I've become a grown up and mom and gained a billion pounds in the past 10 years. She said I still look the same. Ha! Well, as my Southern friend says "Bless her heart"! (and not in the bad way lol.)
This was then:
I was so cute and young!
And this now:
Gross.
I'm fat and old with a bad haircut. I have decided to dub last year "The fat year". This year will be "reinvention year". I'm going to get my fat ass in gear and make myself look and feel my age. I'm not even 30 yet, I shouldn't feel this way. Also, I'm done aging. I don't think I should be forced to get any older. Anybody else having a quarter life crisis??
Remember last night when I tried to psych myself up that I could handle a sick kid? Yeah, more like psyched out. This day was doomed from the start lol. Just because I want to bitch it out, I'm going to share with you the crap that has happened today.
*Fiona has a sleep terror first thing this morning, but goes back to bed.
*Upon waking, she wants to watch "SpongeBob" but has to take some medicine before she can. We fought for 30 minutes until she caved and took the medicine.
*I ask if she wants a popsicle, she says "Yes". What color? "Purple." So I grab a purple popsicle. She opens it and screams that it's brown. It's not brown, it's fucking purple. Fit continues for 10 minutes.
*She finds a mini bottle of root beer that was frozen in the car yesterday and I brought it in over night to thaw. I open it and it starts fizzing all over the place and won't stop. I grab a cup and pour the pop into it and Fiona starts freaking out because she wants it in the bottle. OMG. So I get a funnel and pour the pop back into the bottle, but now the ice is settled at the top and she can't get any pop out. I tell her to tip it up further to get the pop out...so she pours it on the floor.
*A few minutes later, she has a different cup and she pours her pop into the cup...then decides she wants it back in the bottle...so she pours the cup into the bottle...except not in the bottle...it's all over the fucking floor and shoes. This is the moment I start to cry.
*Later, I give Fi a hard boiled egg. She eats the white part and when I look over, she's throwing the yolk onto the floor. As I'm telling her to pick it up, SHE STEPS ON IT! WTF?!?!? By this point she's pissed at me for making her pick up her messes and calls me a "Meany".
*My sister arrives to watch the little monster so I can go to the grocery store and get a few minutes of quiet. I do my shopping and as I'm on the road home, I realize I forgot an ingredient for dinner.
*I get home with the groceries and as I'm bringing them in, a handle rips off the bag sending it crashing to the ground and spilling groceries all over the ground.
*I get in and find out Fiona has been calling Abby "Bonnie" all day...which was hilarious. :)
*Fiona wants some juice, so I pour her a small glass...she does the "look at your watch with a glass of juice in your hand and spill said juice all over the fucking floor.
That's been my day so far....it's only 3:35 and there are several hours left to go. I am glad there's no wine in the house...today is the day I would have a mid day glass.
Fiona started getting sick on Friday and by Saturday she was down for the count. She had a horrible cough and gnarly sounding lungs. Her nose was runny and she started running a pretty good fever. We immediately started alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep any seizure episodes at bay. Sunday she seemed to be feeling a little better, but still very ill. (A huge thank you to my parents for keeping Lily and Eoghan over night so I can focus on my poor little one! Love you guys!) It's now Monday and she's still running a fever in addition to all of the other symptoms and has started breaking out with fever blisters all over her mouth.
We decided enough was enough and made a doctor's appointment. On the way in to see the doc, I needed gas...and did you know it's the coldest flipping day of the year?!? So I'm getting gas and Fiona is screaming so loud that everyone pumping gas could hear her! Instead of going to the clinic, we went to the emergency room. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as we get there, she's suddenly fine! She's twirling around the ER, schmoozing every person she comes in contact with.
We get back to see the doctor and I have to convince them she really was sick before we got there!! After checking her out, the doc decides she wants to get a chest x-ray and strep culture. No strep, x-ray showed some streaks in the lungs, but not pneumonia. She ordered a nebulizer treatment and some Tylenol. Before the neb got to us, Fiona fell asleep in my arms. I mean knocked out. Of course, the nurse comes in and wants me to wake her up. I thought maybe she'd sleep through it, but instead she freaked out and it threw her into a sleep terror. I'm talking freaking the hell out, super human strength, two grown women trying to hold her down. Then once that was done, we had to do it again to give her the Tylenol. So now Fi is having one hell of an episode...freaking out, crying, screaming. The doc saw what was going on and we discussed her having them the past few months. (My friends on FB probably remember the seizure or night terror discussion the last month in November?) She suggested that I talk to our regular doc because it's gone on for so long...there's a step in the right direction there AND a medical professional also witnessed it happening. Anywho, after a good half hour Fiona finally calms down enough to take some steroid to help with the inflammation in her lungs. She goes to sleep and sleeps hard while her fever starts creeping back up. The doc waited and watched and was worried. The nurse came back in and we woke Fi up to get a sample to test for flu (which I found out that you test snot that you suck out of the child's nose with this crazy get up...NASTY! I about threw up all over Fiona lol). Fiona was now awake and functioning at her mostly normal level. By this point, I'd been at the hospital for 6 hours and I hadn't eaten all day. I was tired, hungry and grumpy...I had to page the nurse station for someone to bring in our discharge papers after waiting another 45 minutes. Finally we're out of there (with after care instructions and a nebulizer and meds and a promise from the doc to call as soon as she got the test results back for the flu) and headed to my mom's to pick up the other kids, where I get the call that Fiona doesn't have flu, she has RSV! I'm a little relieved, since she's out of the age range for real danger, as opposed to the flu where so many have died already this flu season including kids.
We're now home and Fiona had another neb treatment, which is basically like giving a kid crack. She can't sleep because she's wired...and I'm ready to pass out. It's been a truly exhausting weekend. Fortunately, I've been through this crap before with Lily and Eoghan...like I told my friend...If I can handle 2 children under age 2 with RSV, I can handle little Fiona. :)
Good luck to everyone...keep your family healthy!!
I have to ask...what's better than having a friend? Having a friend that loves to craft as much as you do!! At Christmas time, my home slice Leticia and I started making gifts for teachers, friends and family. We were crafting beasts. It was pretty epic. Now that the holidays are over, we needed something else to do. She asked if I was on Pinterest. Psh, no. I don't do Pinterest. I'm not going to get sucked in like everyone else. Then I went onto it...and was all like:
Dammit! I've been sucked in! I am in love. I'm thinking back to all of the bad ass parties I could have had (who else wishes they could have a redo wedding now that they have Pinterest!?!?), the things I could have made, the organization I could have had. I then laugh because, we all know how it goes:
Because:
I've started a few different projects that I saw on there, and I can't wait to move so I can get them wrapped up....and then start new projects. I was addicted to crafts before and never had time to do them...but now that I have someone to do them with, I make time...and when there's wine it's even better. Know how I know? Because I found a few memes on the internet agreeing with me. :D
So now that I've started this adventure, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I'm sitting in the car, waiting in line, bored, not bored, thought of something to look up...There's a Pinterest app for that! THANK YOU PINTEREST!!! lol, yes I'm addicted. And now that I am:
So basically, what I was trying to say with this post is that you should FOLLOW ME!!
Happy pinning ya'll!
I'm a smoker. There. It's out there. My dirty little secret. Since I was a teenager, I've smoked on and off...quit cold turkey while pregnant though nursing, no problem. Start back up, quit again. About a year ago I started smoking again. Just while I was out and drinking...and then, of course, when I wasn't drinking. It's stupid and bad for you and gross... and most of all, it's embarrassing for me. I don't want anybody to know that I do it...I want to quit! But, it's hard. Part of me actually enjoys it, as sick as it sounds, but most of me hates it. I hate smelling like cigarettes. I hate spending money on them. I hate what it does to my body. I hate being such a hypocrite. I tell my kids all the time how disgusting it is and why they should never, ever smoke. I have never, EVER smoked in front of them. I know that all it takes is one time of seeing their parent smoke and it will be game over. Monkey see, monkey do.
Jim has always hated that I smoke, despite the fact that when we met, I was a smoker. I promised him I was going to quit. I've quit, cold turkey several times...but this go round, it's not as easy. I want him to understand what I'm going through, but I don't think he'll ever understand fully, since he's never been a smoker. Please, be patient with me...I can do this.
Right now, we're in the middle of the most stressful time of our lives (maybe it's just me, but whatever). I've been trying, really trying...but it's so hard. I've been so stressed out that my body started a period mid cycle. It freaked me the fuck out, to say the least. We're nearing the end of our foreclosure period, we finally found a place to live and they accepted us as renters (thank you Universe for helping a sister out!), but we're not sure how we're going to afford it, then there's the every day stress of life and I haven't been on my meds for a few months...I'm trying to be healthier...I'm trying to quit drinking pop, trying to quit smoking.
I've made myself a deal. I will survive losing our house and the big move...I will get through packing and getting rid of things...and once we are settled in, I will be done. I will get any help I need with my anxiety (meds, therapy, whatever needs doing), and I will quit smoking. I need to be honest with myself, and not beat myself up. I do it enough over many other things in my life.
What I ask of my friends and family...when I announce that I have quit for good...do not give me a cigarette, even if I beg. Support me. Give me a piece of gum...a carrot...a crack upside the head...but don't give me a cigarette.
Please, don't judge me for my vice...it's hard for me to even write this...the end is near, and I will no longer have that guilt weighing my heart down.
This time of year is so bittersweet. While we get to spend time with friends and family, start fresh and turn a new leaf, it's also the anniversary of the passing of my mother in law. Tomorrow marks the first year without Nana. I've learned over the past year, that it's a lot easier to miss someone when you can't call them anymore. I swear the woman drove me batty with all of her craziness and illness...but I miss how she would call the kids all the time to talk to them. I miss her inappropriate jokes and how she would laugh at them all. I miss playing Boggle and spades. I miss hearing her say "Hi Honey!" I guess it's true...you don't know what you've got until it's gone. RIP Shawnee, we all miss you.
Now we move onto resolutions. I think we can all agree that they suck. How many people actually stick to them? I don't think I ever have.
Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. So I'm going to resolve to TRY to change the bad habits that I've created. 1) I want to be healthier. That includes eating less processed foods, less crap, less sugar...being more active...living more green...take care of body and mind...and on a family level too. 2) Work on organization and keeping the house cleaner. 3) Work on family rules...make sure they are enforced. Everyone needs to help to keep the family functioning properly. Mama can't do it alone. :)
I'm ready for 2013. I'm ready for a new year to corrupt lol. It will be quite a year for our family. Fiona starts preschool. We will be moving shortly into the new year (no idea where we will be moving...keep your fingers crossed that we can find something). The kids will likely start a new school. Jim and I will celebrate 10 years together. My 10 year high school reunion (and Jim's 20 year). Many birthdays to celebrate. Holidays to plan. New people to meet. So much is going to happen...and I can't wait to experience it.
I hope you all have a very happy new year. Thanks for sticking with me through a year of mostly angry and depressing blog posts (I also resolve to make happier posts in 2013!! lol) Please, celebrate responsibly and get a designated driver if you party too hearty. Be safe my friends.
