Dirty little secret. (TMI, you've been warned.)

I'm a smoker. There. It's out there. My dirty little secret. Since I was a teenager, I've smoked on and off...quit cold turkey while pregnant though nursing, no problem. Start back up, quit again. About a year ago I started smoking again. Just while I was out and drinking...and then, of course, when I wasn't drinking. It's stupid and bad for you and gross... and most of all, it's embarrassing for me. I don't want anybody to know that I do it...I want to quit! But, it's hard. Part of me actually enjoys it, as sick as it sounds, but most of me hates it. I hate smelling like cigarettes. I hate spending money on them. I hate what it does to my body. I hate being such a hypocrite. I tell my kids all the time how disgusting it is and why they should never, ever smoke. I have never, EVER smoked in front of them. I know that all it takes is one time of seeing their parent smoke and it will be game over. Monkey see, monkey do. Jim has always hated that I smoke, despite the fact that when we met, I was a smoker. I promised him I was going to quit. I've quit, cold turkey several times...but this go round, it's not as easy. I want him to understand what I'm going through, but I don't think he'll ever understand fully, since he's never been a smoker. Please, be patient with me...I can do this. Right now, we're in the middle of the most stressful time of our lives (maybe it's just me, but whatever). I've been trying, really trying...but it's so hard. I've been so stressed out that my body started a period mid cycle. It freaked me the fuck out, to say the least. We're nearing the end of our foreclosure period, we finally found a place to live and they accepted us as renters (thank you Universe for helping a sister out!), but we're not sure how we're going to afford it, then there's the every day stress of life and I haven't been on my meds for a few months...I'm trying to be healthier...I'm trying to quit drinking pop, trying to quit smoking. I've made myself a deal. I will survive losing our house and the big move...I will get through packing and getting rid of things...and once we are settled in, I will be done. I will get any help I need with my anxiety (meds, therapy, whatever needs doing), and I will quit smoking. I need to be honest with myself, and not beat myself up. I do it enough over many other things in my life. What I ask of my friends and family...when I announce that I have quit for good...do not give me a cigarette, even if I beg. Support me. Give me a piece of gum...a carrot...a crack upside the head...but don't give me a cigarette. Please, don't judge me for my vice...it's hard for me to even write this...the end is near, and I will no longer have that guilt weighing my heart down.