Karma's a bitch.

Yesterday was the day I've dreaded all week. We said our final goodbyes to Ashley. It was painful to see her laying in the casket. She did not look like herself. In my mind, she would be sleeping...but the reality of what she did showed. I hope that I will be able to close my eyes and see images of in the pictures up on her memory boards instead of how she was yesterday. On top of the general pain of being there, we were not welcome there. My brother was good enough to pay for her funeral, but how dare we show up to mourn our loss. I felt the animosity all around...but it gets chalked up to me being a catty woman. Wow. Well, things were confirmed when I saw a certain person's facebook page today. It really bums me out they couldn't put aside their crap for a few hours on one day, for Ashley. I was on my best behavior...but if looks could kill, we'd have been dead 10 different ways. I even tried to bridge the gaps and make general friendly conversation...my attempts were immediately shot down. It really pisses me off that the blame is put on us that Ashley took her own life. Yes, things were said in the heat of the moment, when anger got the better of people. Ashley contributed to this...and I know that she enjoyed the drama. How could anybody know that THIS TIME she'd really do it? From the things I heard yesterday, from their own family, they couldn't handle her and got rid of her too. Don't act holier than thou, when you are no better. Where were any of you when my family was cleaning her apartment? Did any of you collect her belongings? Did any of you pick out her funeral attire? Did any of you even call to ask "how can I help out"? No. And you're right, karma is a bitch and WILL come back to bite you in the ass. I think you better look in the mirror as you recite that, honey. You are not as righteous as you think or want to pretend you are.

I am going to move on now. I have mourned my loss and I have done what I could to send her off in a nice way. When I think about Ashley, it will hurt inside...but I know that there was nothing I could do. Mental illness goes a long way and drug addiction makes it worse. Rest in peace, Ashley. I hope we did you proud.

If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or know someone that is, please get help. Call someone you know and trust or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You may think that nobody cares, but the pain of losing you will affect many people.