Quoted.

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” –Life’s Little Instruction Book
 
As I've mentioned in other posts, I'm getting ready to make some very big changes in my life. Let me tell you now, I am scared to death. When I stop to actually think about doing these things...I start having a panic attack. Then I think about how it makes me feel to doubt myself so much that I panic...and I get very sad. Everybody should trust in themselves. Why don't I?

“By changing nothing, nothing changes.” -Tony Robbins

Last night I went to the mandatory weight loss surgery informational meeting to learn about all of my options and ask any questions I had. It was a really great class/meeting and I left there confident in my decision to get the surgery. Now comes "the process". I have my first appointment next week with the dietician. She will help me begin a 6 month, monitored diet. During that time I will meet with a psych doc to make sure I'm mentally fit to be able to take care of myself and understand what is required of me both during and after surgery. The whole thing is expected to take between 6 and 8 months. I am beyond excited. I'm excited to be the best me I can be.  

“All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” –Walt Disney

One of the things the speaker/surgeon said was, "Think about why you want this surgery. Why you want to lose weight." Really? I think every fat person...every morbidly obese person...has thought about that every day that they've been fat. So, I sat down today and I started writing. Such a simple question, such a complex answer. I ended up writing 4 pages before I made myself wrap it up. It's amazing how deep the weight problems go, and where they even begin. It's funny, but while writing my "essay" as I will now call it and filling out my paperwork, I quoted Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movie, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat." The most appropriate quote on this blog.

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” –A.A. Milne

Like many others, I've been saying for years that I should go back to school. It's been 10 years since I graduated high school and I'm super afraid to go back to school. Well, after a month of saying (after years of saying it) "I'm going to request more info about the programs." I finally did it. I bit the bullet and I went online to request the information. No, I didn't call them, because I'm passive aggressive lol. Well, about 30 minutes after I submitted my info, I go the first call from Globe and set up a meeting with her to talk about the program and stuff. Within 2 minutes of hanging up, I shit you not, Argosy called me. So the next couple of weeks, I get to find out which school wants me more and is willing to jump through the most hoops to get me grants to pay for college. OMG!


“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” –Unknown

  So, in a a year or 2, I will be in a different place in my life. I'm ready for the changes. I'm ready to give my children a mom to be proud of...a mom that can physically keep up with them. Now when I tell my children to go to college, I won't be a hypocrite. When I tell them, nothing will change if you don't change it, I'll have some morbidly obese examples for them (that was supposed to be funny, laugh.) Up until that point though, there will be many ups and downs...many tears spilled...many hours of babysitting needed...As was said by Will Smith, "If you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success."

I hope to see you all there.

“Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action.” -Walter Anderson

Fill in.

So much going on in my life right now...where to start...

 

Recently, Jim said I could go (I decided I was going to go) to Florida for a "saving Jenny's sanity" trip. We booked the flight last night, so in a month, I'll be heading to paradise. I'll head into the airport (have I mentioned that I've never been on a plane before? Never been into an airport?) and be like:

 

And then I'm going to spend a few awesome days with my home slice and her family, doing things that you can only do on vacation without children. (Is it weird that I was like "I don't have kids, I should go to Disney World!"?!? Because that thought really did cross my mind lol) I'm going to lay on the soft, white, sandy beach and swim in the deep, blue ocean (and hopefully not be eaten by sharks, stung by a jelly fish or sting ray or sucked into a sink hole) and then at the end of my time, I'm going to arrive in MN and be like:

 

 Then, after we bought a plane ticket last night, today I end up wondering:

 

Because of this:

For the past few weeks, any time I chew gum, it seems like the gum gets stuck between two of my back teeth. Monday night, I was at my mom's and it felt like my filling was falling apart or my tooth was breaking. I made an appointment and today I went in. Turns out that there was some decay underneath the filling that was there, and it caused my tooth to rot and eventually break. Sexy, huh? So the Doc was messing around and plucked out a piece of tooth and said "well, I don't have time to fix it today, so just keep it really clean." Um, say what!? I have to live with this big hole in my tooth and now that I know it's there, I'll keep touching it with my tongue and getting super grossed out and almost barfing? Yeah, thanks. Even better, is that he wants to put a crown on it. Pro? I have dual dental insurance. Con? Only one insurance company covers crowns, and they only cover half. What does it all mean? I need to come up with almost $700 by Monday to cover the crown, up front. I was also informed that our family bill was outstanding at $1,600.00!! After being transferred and told to try a different person/place, I got it mostly figured out, and we should be in much better shape, debt-wise, come next week when we all have exams and cleanings scheduled.
I now hate dealing with insurance companies and snotty ass receptionists. (not like I didn't before, but today was a whole lot worse than the usual crap)

Tomorrow, after another trip to the dentist for a routine cleaning and exam (where I'm guessing they'll tell me there's a giant hole in my tooth hahaha), I'm going to go for a starter meeting to start the process of getting bariatric surgery. Before anyone freaks out and tells me why I shouldn't do it. I know the risks. I know I'm "fine the way I am". I know there are other ways to lose the weight. But after considering it for a while and now hitting a little over 100 pounds over what I "should" be for my height.My BMI (Body Mass Index) is 43.5. A Normal/healthy BMI, at the high end is 24.9. I'm at the point now, where I need help to make the necessary changes. A huge perk to getting it done is that I have to quit smoking to have the surgery done. At least that's the kick in the ass I needed to quit. Think happy thoughts and send me good ju ju. I need support from any and all willing to give it. :)

We are getting ready to start everything for the Little Miss West St. Paul program for Lily. I'm so psyched for her. (which reminds me, Anita, if you're reading this, we need to set up a day to come try on dresses! We have spring break next week!) I keep thinking that I wish I knew what was going to happen. If she gets it, I'm obligated to do a lot this summer. If not, I want to get the kids into a sport or a camp. This is our first summer off in 3 years. I am pumped!!!

Anywho, that's enough for now. I've overloaded your "care".

The Talk

You know the talk that every parent dreads...the one about the birds and the bees...the one that is inevitable...and just the thought of it makes your palms sweat, your heart race and the bile rise in your throat...and then, before you're ready, it's time to give it? Yeah...our time ran out yesterday. Thankfully for me, a couple weeks ago in ECFE, we had a professional sex educator come to speak to our class about how to talk to our kids about it. Honestly, if it weren't for that class, I think I would have had a heart attack. I'm no Dr. Ruth. Talking about "it" embarrasses and freaks me out. It makes me all:

 

So, when I saw that the boy was looking up pictures of nekked people on the computer, I pooped my pants a little. I made Jim go to the book store to pick up a book that was recommended to help us out Then at dinner, we casually started asking questions and finding out what our children knew of  *gulp* sex. 

 

 

Kids hear and see so much stuff day to day in and out of our homes that they are bound to have some sort of knowledge, accurate and not. Thank you Bruno Mars ("Your sex takes me to paradise") and "Gangnam Style" ("Hey sexy lady) and every Katy Perry song for creating a catchy tune that my children listen to on the school bus where there are other children talking about what they've heard about sex. My children were...confused...about a majority of it all. Things I learned that they "knew" really blew my mind.

 

So here's the thing...I've been called a prude for my...very conservative views on sex. So trying to explain what strippers are to my children who were misinformed about "the poles", was not an easy task for me. I quickly dug myself into a hole...and it wasn't pretty. Along with teaching your kids about sex, you also teach them your values...and since my values border on prudish, as I've been told (which apparently is a bad thing?), I guess I'm just not a great candidate as a teacher...but I have to try. Thankfully, "the talk" isn't really just one talk, it's an ongoing series of small talks, I have time to learn and prepare for the more. I'm also assuming that it's not cool to show them "The Goonies" and tell them that "Sloth" is a product of incest?

 

               So after we had the whole "when a man and a woman love each other and want to get married after they finish college and start a career, they give each other a special hug and the man's sperm mixes with the woman's egg and a baby is created" (don't worry my homosexual friends, the "same sex relationship" talk will come another day, you haven't been left out)  and lots of new rules for playing games online have been established, I am feeling confident we did a pretty good job of it all.

What did I hope to accomplish with this blog aside from embarrassing you all with my dirty words? I wanted to give all of my friends with small children something to look forward to. I wanted to warn you all that we have told our children about things and that they could potentially  "inform" your children, forcing you to have the talk with your own. (We told them that it was not their place to tell anyone about sexual information they "know" and if anyone asks to tell them to ask their parents. We all know how kids work...this will likely not happen, but we tried.) So there it is. May you spend your day wondering when your day will come. Bwahahahahahahahhahahahaha.

Getting Down With the Sickness

Monday morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and sinus pressure. Pretty sure I was dealing with a sinus infection, I hung around the house blowing my nose. Around 4, I blew my nose and my ears filled with pressure and needed to pop, but wouldn't. I tried blowing my nose more and yawning and then took to facebook to ask for help. Nothing worked. It hurt once in a while, like being stabbed in the ear, but the pain would come and go. Around 8 pm, the kids and I were cuddling on the couch watching a movie when all of a sudden my ear was killing me. The pain was so intense, all I could do was cry. I took some meds and hunkered down with a box of Kleenex. Thankfully, Jim came home early and I went and took a hot shower. It helped a little, but as soon as I got out, it was back to all out pain. I went to bed to try to sleep it off. Yeah, that didn't happen. I basically laid in bed for 2 hours crying like a baby. I finally got to the point where I would rather die than live with that pain any longer, so I called my mom to come bring me to the ER. Keep in mind that it's been snowing and is we are in the middle of a March blizzard that ended up leaving the Twin Cities with 9 1/2 inches of snow. I'm so happy my parents have 4 wheel drive in their awesome new suv...we were cruising past people in ditches and others that were creeping along the freeway. Anywho, we get to the ER and I go in and I throw up (thank you pain) and they bring me straight back to a room...I waited about 2 minutes before the doctor came in to check me out. Diagnosis: inner and outer ear infection. Wow, intense... (Google swimmer's ear, some scary shit) So he hooks me up with some pain killers and sends me on my way with prescriptions. I was going to get them filled at the hospital, but I wasn't going to wait for an hour and a half. The rents came to pick me up and we head up to Walgreen's. By this point I'm exhausted from being in pain and crying for hours and throwing up several times PLUS the pain meds PLUS it's 1 in the morning. The pharmacy calls me to say I don't have insuranc and the meds will be around $300. Hahahahahahahhaha...yeah, I can't afford $300...even if insurance does end up covering it after I file an appeal, I don't have $300 right now. So they call the doc and end up getting different meds, that are not nearly as awesome and bad ass, but they cost only $80...I'll take it! Let me just say, I'm so grateful for modern medicine. Tuesday was kind of a blur. I was on pain killers and sick as a dog to boot... Thank the snow gods for a snow day. I can't imagine going to get Eoghan from the bus stop while being so sick and loopy. I slept off and on most of the day on the couch while the kids watched tv and ate candy. My little Lily is getting to be such a big girl. She helped me so much with her brother and sister and taking care of me too. At one point, I was on the couch and I woke up to her putting a blanket on me. Seriously...I have some amazing children. Then there's Jim...who has been so wonderful letting me sleep and rest and be a whiny little baby. Any mom knows how much it sucks to get sick and how much harder it is to recover when you can't rest and take care of yourself. Today we got stuck going to the DMV and grocery store, which sucked the life right out of me. I'm hoping this crap goes away soon. It's cruel and unusual punishment to have a sinus infection on top of an ear infection. Every time I blow my nose, my ear pops and hurts so bad. I hear the meds and my bed calling me now...it is time to pass the eff out. If this post doesn't make sense, it's not my fault. I'm tired, in pain, can't hear, breathe, taste or smell...so obviously it's one of those things faults. :D

Am I a bad parent?

A couple weeks ago, I saw a meme on facebook that said (I can't find the pic so I have to wing it) basically that being a parent means that you don't go drinking until 3 in the morning and instead staying home with your children...a good parent puts their child/ren first. This started me thinking. Then, Jim and I were watching "My Strange Addiction" and the one mother (that was addicted to eating fabric dryer sheets) said wondered if she was a horrible mother for teaching her children the habit (she did NOT let her children eat them, in fact it seemed like she was a pretty good mom!). It was then that it hit me. Good parents are the ones that worry that they're bad parents...worry that they're screwing their kids up.
                                                   
Bad parents "know" that they're the best parents out there and that they're doing everything right. There is no such thing as a perfect parent...we're all just human. It's hard to raise another person in general, but to try to be perfect is setting yourself up for disappointment. Obviously in this highly political area, there are so many opinions...and even more people ready to jump down your throat because they don't agree with your parenting style. Just remember:
That being said, let me share my stink with you!

There are people that believe:

There is some truth to this...but I would say more that when you're a good parent you always have your child/ren's best interest in mind. A good parent cannot possibly put their child first all the time. Sometimes a person has to put THEMSELVES first. Sometimes. Not all of the time. Don't lose yourself or put yourself last all the time. Mommy/Daddy need a break from that once in a while. This is where the above mentioned fb meme comes into play. Everyone has a bad day at work. This also applies to the SAHM/SAHD...a lot of adults go out and have a few drinks after a shitty day at work. Taking a night off to blow some steam is perfectly acceptable...as long as it's not every night and you're still back at work by the next morning, then who the freak cares.

 

 

You don't have to be a crafty mom to spend time with your children. You don't have to be an overbearing parent to be a present parent. Your kids need you...they need you to love them and teach them how to be safe and how to function in society. Don't let them run wild as children...you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of picking up the pieces. Know where your children are at all times, know their friends and their friends' parents. (age appropriateness applies, obviously...I haven't hit the teen years so I can't coach anyone, but I'm assuming the same parenting principles apply.) Ask questions, demand answers. Remember, you are the parent.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past 7 1/2 years (and honestly, I've just recently realized it) is that everywhere you go, there are parents there that have been where you are now. Your kid is screaming bloody murder over that candy you won't let them get and everyone is looking at you? They're not (not all at least, there are still assholes in the world, sad but true) judging you...they're looking at you with sympathy because they too have been there. They're looking at you and willing you the strength to not give in. Be strong...but pick your battles. Never let them see you cry...wait until you get to the car lol.

I started calling ours "backpacks with tails" to make it seem a little less...true lol. The people giving you dirty looks for using these fall into one of these categories: has no children, has only 1 child and is not yet outnumbered, has never had to take multiple children out into a crowded public place by themselves while each child runs in a different direction or is a rude bitch. There are times and places for a backpack with a tail...like when you're taking two toddlers to the crowded zoo by yourself and you don't want to lose a child. Of course, you could also have a child like mine, that decides she wants to be a dog and gets down on the ground and starts barking and pretending to pee on things while you are holding the leash. Don't freak out. Laugh and tell your child how observant they are and how great their pretending skills are. For anyone who is still looking at you with that judgey "omg" look, I have one word of advice for you to give them, have you heard the word?

 

 

Don't ever be a DFI (dumb fucking idiot) and dress your child in something like this. It is sick and twisted. Anything that sexualizes your child or ANY child in any way, shape or form is wrong. Prepare for well deserved backlash and hopefully CPS on your doorstep. IMO it includes shorts/skirts that are too short, bathing suits that are too skimpy, thong and low rise underwear (seriously, who makes low rise underwear for 4 year olds? Better yet, who actually buys them!?)  and sexual dance moves (nobody but child molesters want to see your child shake their ass like a hoochie at a dance club).

 

Last but not least (for this blog post anyway):

It's bittersweet that everything begins at home. Start your child/ren off the right way by teaching them respect for others AND themselves. Simple stuff, like: please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, I'm sorry. This is probably the best advice any person can give or receive in regards to raising a child...hell...it's never too late for an adult to strive to be better at these things. Show your children the way...you only have one shot at showing them the "right way". 

 

Now get off the computer and go play with your kids. ;)

Decisions, decisions.

With so much in our lives changing lately, I've been wondering what's going to happen next. Over the years I've considered going back to school, but have been too afraid to really do anything about it. Can I afford it? Can I pull off the time I need to devote to school and home work? What do I want to be when I grow up? Now that 2 out of the 3 kids are in school, it should be easier...at least easier to find a sitter for 1 lol. So tonight did a little thinking, and I've decided that a career in vet tech is the right path for me. Now I get to bug every person I know that is currently taking college courses and ask them every question I can think of to start the ball rolling. I found a few different schools around the cities that offer vet tech programs...but I don't know anything about the schools. I know I've heard horror stories of some of the schools around and want to make sure I don't go there. What I've found is Globe, Minnesota School of Business and Argosy. Anybody have anything to say about those schools?? Do I think I could handle going back to school after all these years? I'm deathly afraid that I'm not smart enough to do it lol. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of owing tons of money. But then I start to imagine the cool job I could get after I have a degree...all of the cute little animals I will be able to work with. The potential money I could save by taking care of my pets myself. So many pros...I need guidance. I guess that's why they have special guidance counselors at the schools to help the confused moms trying to get back in the learning game. Hopefully I'll get some input from anybody that reads my blogs and can help me out...otherwise...I'm thinking I'll be calling around to the schools and finding out some information. Eeek. Wish me luck!!

Thanks for nothing.

You can ask for help and receive none only so many times before you give up on people. I've asked and begged for help the past couple weeks and I can count on one hand how many people have been there for us. Next time anybody needs help, don't you dare ask me. I've been losing my fucking mind. I'm at the point now where I feel broken. Simple shit, like helping me move some boxes or watching the kids for an hour or even just asking how I'm doing and letting me bitch about how much things suck right now...that's what I needed. No, that's too much to ask. I guess by being so strong for so long, this is what I get. Time for me to do some soul searching and cut the losers and users out of my life. If I don't return your calls or texts and suddenly you can't find me on fb, it's safe to assume you're one of the many. Snip, snip mother fucker.

I'm the better friend.

Yesterday was a pretty craptastic day for me, complete with mental breakdown. So, when Jim got home, I was ready to go to my friend's (Leticia) thirty one party and forget about my woes. After the party, a different friend (Sara) asks if we want to go do karaoke. Sure, sounds fun! So we head out to the bar. On the way, Leticia mentions again how much she hates driving in St. Paul (which is weird, because everyone knows Minneapolis is scary and St. Paul is fine). A few minutes later, she starts chanting "Is this really happening? Is this really happening to me?" Thinking her brain damage is coming out (she has a really bad bout of meningitis a few months ago which resulted in a horrible seizure and we then blamed any odd behavior on that, like good friends do), I'm like "Yes, this IS happening...!?!?" Then I look and there's an ambulance coming up behind us. She's freaking out like "What do I do!?" and decides to get off on the exit right by us...which just so happens to be the exit to Regions hospital...and the ambulance followed us onto the exit. She's freaking out because the guy in front of her won't go faster so we can get out of the way, and we can't pull over. Thankfully we were able to get out of the way and the ambulance turned. But that started out the night's LOL moments. We get to the bar finally...and on the way in we argue over which of us is the better friend.(random, but relevant to the story) So the four of us (Leticia, Sarah, Michelle (Sarah's friend) and myself) are sitting at the table and have a shot and start laughing at something. That's when the real action began... all of a sudden Leticia is puking all over the table (note, I'm laughing hysterically as I type this). I hop up and try to help her, but it's not stopping...and neither is my laughter.

Sara and Michelle are laughing and then Sara starts puking all over too!! I'm suddenly reminded of the scene from "Stand By Me", if you know what I'm talking about, you're laughing too. Sara takes off out onto the patio and Leticia (who finally stops barfing but is COVERED in it) runs to the bathroom. I grab up all of the purses and jackets and explain to the waitress that my friend isn't drunk, she choked on her shot. I get to the bathroom and give Leticia my shirt...and officially make myself the better friend, because I literally gave her the shirt off my back. Oh snap. So she comes out of the bathroom stall and says "I fucking pissed my pants." OMG!!! I can't believe this is actually happening. It's probably the funniest night of my life. I've forgotten all about the bs that happened earlier in the day. Thank you girls, for puking all over the place and wetting yourselves. And just remember,

So now, we're headed home and we're laughing about everything and Leticia asks what I was going to sing. I was going to sing "Ironic" by Alanis. I shit you not, the song on the radio wraps up and on comes "Ironic". It was the most ironic moment ever.

Thank you universe for sharing last night with me. :)

The Fat Year.

This morning Eoghan had a doctor's appointment and afterward, on the way to school, we stopped at Burger King for some breakfast. The BK we went to is one that I worked at a couple times as a teenager, and I was there my senior year of high school (10 years ago). One of my coworkers was a woman I grew up with as a neighbor and we reconnected when I started working at the BK. So this morning, we go through the drive through, and the woman taking my order was the same lady from years before! I didn't say anything because if she didn't remember me, I didn't want it to be awkward lol. She took my money and when she came back to the window she asked "Are you the Jenny that used to live across the street and work here?" Yup, it's me. How goes it? I couldn't believe she recognized me. I've become a grown up and mom and gained a billion pounds in the past 10 years. She said I still look the same. Ha! Well, as my Southern friend says "Bless her heart"! (and not in the bad way lol.) This was then:

I was so cute and young! And this now:

Gross. I'm fat and old with a bad haircut. I have decided to dub last year "The fat year". This year will be "reinvention year". I'm going to get my fat ass in gear and make myself look and feel my age. I'm not even 30 yet, I shouldn't feel this way. Also, I'm done aging. I don't think I should be forced to get any older. Anybody else having a quarter life crisis??

The day from hell.

Remember last night when I tried to psych myself up that I could handle a sick kid? Yeah, more like psyched out. This day was doomed from the start lol. Just because I want to bitch it out, I'm going to share with you the crap that has happened today. *Fiona has a sleep terror first thing this morning, but goes back to bed. *Upon waking, she wants to watch "SpongeBob" but has to take some medicine before she can. We fought for 30 minutes until she caved and took the medicine. *I ask if she wants a popsicle, she says "Yes". What color? "Purple." So I grab a purple popsicle. She opens it and screams that it's brown. It's not brown, it's fucking purple. Fit continues for 10 minutes.

*She finds a mini bottle of root beer that was frozen in the car yesterday and I brought it in over night to thaw. I open it and it starts fizzing all over the place and won't stop. I grab a cup and pour the pop into it and Fiona starts freaking out because she wants it in the bottle. OMG. So I get a funnel and pour the pop back into the bottle, but now the ice is settled at the top and she can't get any pop out. I tell her to tip it up further to get the pop out...so she pours it on the floor. *A few minutes later, she has a different cup and she pours her pop into the cup...then decides she wants it back in the bottle...so she pours the cup into the bottle...except not in the bottle...it's all over the fucking floor and shoes. This is the moment I start to cry. *Later, I give Fi a hard boiled egg. She eats the white part and when I look over, she's throwing the yolk onto the floor. As I'm telling her to pick it up, SHE STEPS ON IT! WTF?!?!? By this point she's pissed at me for making her pick up her messes and calls me a "Meany". *My sister arrives to watch the little monster so I can go to the grocery store and get a few minutes of quiet. I do my shopping and as I'm on the road home, I realize I forgot an ingredient for dinner. *I get home with the groceries and as I'm bringing them in, a handle rips off the bag sending it crashing to the ground and spilling groceries all over the ground. *I get in and find out Fiona has been calling Abby "Bonnie" all day...which was hilarious. :) *Fiona wants some juice, so I pour her a small glass...she does the "look at your watch with a glass of juice in your hand and spill said juice all over the fucking floor.

That's been my day so far....it's only 3:35 and there are several hours left to go. I am glad there's no wine in the house...today is the day I would have a mid day glass.

RSV

Fiona started getting sick on Friday and by Saturday she was down for the count. She had a horrible cough and gnarly sounding lungs. Her nose was runny and she started running a pretty good fever. We immediately started alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep any seizure episodes at bay. Sunday she seemed to be feeling a little better, but still very ill. (A huge thank you to my parents for keeping Lily and Eoghan over night so I can focus on my poor little one! Love you guys!) It's now Monday and she's still running a fever in addition to all of the other symptoms and has started breaking out with fever blisters all over her mouth.

We decided enough was enough and made a doctor's appointment. On the way in to see the doc, I needed gas...and did you know it's the coldest flipping day of the year?!? So I'm getting gas and Fiona is screaming so loud that everyone pumping gas could hear her! Instead of going to the clinic, we went to the emergency room. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as we get there, she's suddenly fine! She's twirling around the ER, schmoozing every person she comes in contact with.

We get back to see the doctor and I have to convince them she really was sick before we got there!! After checking her out, the doc decides she wants to get a chest x-ray and strep culture. No strep, x-ray showed some streaks in the lungs, but not pneumonia. She ordered a nebulizer treatment and some Tylenol. Before the neb got to us, Fiona fell asleep in my arms. I mean knocked out. Of course, the nurse comes in and wants me to wake her up. I thought maybe she'd sleep through it, but instead she freaked out and it threw her into a sleep terror. I'm talking freaking the hell out, super human strength, two grown women trying to hold her down. Then once that was done, we had to do it again to give her the Tylenol. So now Fi is having one hell of an episode...freaking out, crying, screaming. The doc saw what was going on and we discussed her having them the past few months. (My friends on FB probably remember the seizure or night terror discussion the last month in November?) She suggested that I talk to our regular doc because it's gone on for so long...there's a step in the right direction there AND a medical professional also witnessed it happening. Anywho, after a good half hour Fiona finally calms down enough to take some steroid to help with the inflammation in her lungs. She goes to sleep and sleeps hard while her fever starts creeping back up. The doc waited and watched and was worried. The nurse came back in and we woke Fi up to get a sample to test for flu (which I found out that you test snot that you suck out of the child's nose with this crazy get up...NASTY! I about threw up all over Fiona lol). Fiona was now awake and functioning at her mostly normal level. By this point, I'd been at the hospital for 6 hours and I hadn't eaten all day. I was tired, hungry and grumpy...I had to page the nurse station for someone to bring in our discharge papers after waiting another 45 minutes. Finally we're out of there (with after care instructions and a nebulizer and meds and a promise from the doc to call as soon as she got the test results back for the flu) and headed to my mom's to pick up the other kids, where I get the call that Fiona doesn't have flu, she has RSV! I'm a little relieved, since she's out of the age range for real danger, as opposed to the flu where so many have died already this flu season including kids.

We're now home and Fiona had another neb treatment, which is basically like giving a kid crack. She can't sleep because she's wired...and I'm ready to pass out. It's been a truly exhausting weekend. Fortunately, I've been through this crap before with Lily and Eoghan...like I told my friend...If I can handle 2 children under age 2 with RSV, I can handle little Fiona. :)

Good luck to everyone...keep your family healthy!!

Pinteresting...

I have to ask...what's better than having a friend? Having a friend that loves to craft as much as you do!! At Christmas time, my home slice Leticia and I started making gifts for teachers, friends and family. We were crafting beasts. It was pretty epic. Now that the holidays are over, we needed something else to do. She asked if I was on Pinterest. Psh, no. I don't do Pinterest. I'm not going to get sucked in like everyone else. Then I went onto it...and was all like:

Dammit! I've been sucked in! I am in love. I'm thinking back to all of the bad ass parties I could have had (who else wishes they could have a redo wedding now that they have Pinterest!?!?), the things I could have made, the organization I could have had. I then laugh because, we all know how it goes:

Because:

I've started a few different projects that I saw on there, and I can't wait to move so I can get them wrapped up....and then start new projects. I was addicted to crafts before and never had time to do them...but now that I have someone to do them with, I make time...and when there's wine it's even better. Know how I know? Because I found a few memes on the internet agreeing with me. :D

So now that I've started this adventure, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I'm sitting in the car, waiting in line, bored, not bored, thought of something to look up...There's a Pinterest app for that! THANK YOU PINTEREST!!! lol, yes I'm addicted. And now that I am:

So basically, what I was trying to say with this post is that you should FOLLOW ME!! Happy pinning ya'll!

Dirty little secret. (TMI, you've been warned.)

I'm a smoker. There. It's out there. My dirty little secret. Since I was a teenager, I've smoked on and off...quit cold turkey while pregnant though nursing, no problem. Start back up, quit again. About a year ago I started smoking again. Just while I was out and drinking...and then, of course, when I wasn't drinking. It's stupid and bad for you and gross... and most of all, it's embarrassing for me. I don't want anybody to know that I do it...I want to quit! But, it's hard. Part of me actually enjoys it, as sick as it sounds, but most of me hates it. I hate smelling like cigarettes. I hate spending money on them. I hate what it does to my body. I hate being such a hypocrite. I tell my kids all the time how disgusting it is and why they should never, ever smoke. I have never, EVER smoked in front of them. I know that all it takes is one time of seeing their parent smoke and it will be game over. Monkey see, monkey do. Jim has always hated that I smoke, despite the fact that when we met, I was a smoker. I promised him I was going to quit. I've quit, cold turkey several times...but this go round, it's not as easy. I want him to understand what I'm going through, but I don't think he'll ever understand fully, since he's never been a smoker. Please, be patient with me...I can do this. Right now, we're in the middle of the most stressful time of our lives (maybe it's just me, but whatever). I've been trying, really trying...but it's so hard. I've been so stressed out that my body started a period mid cycle. It freaked me the fuck out, to say the least. We're nearing the end of our foreclosure period, we finally found a place to live and they accepted us as renters (thank you Universe for helping a sister out!), but we're not sure how we're going to afford it, then there's the every day stress of life and I haven't been on my meds for a few months...I'm trying to be healthier...I'm trying to quit drinking pop, trying to quit smoking. I've made myself a deal. I will survive losing our house and the big move...I will get through packing and getting rid of things...and once we are settled in, I will be done. I will get any help I need with my anxiety (meds, therapy, whatever needs doing), and I will quit smoking. I need to be honest with myself, and not beat myself up. I do it enough over many other things in my life. What I ask of my friends and family...when I announce that I have quit for good...do not give me a cigarette, even if I beg. Support me. Give me a piece of gum...a carrot...a crack upside the head...but don't give me a cigarette. Please, don't judge me for my vice...it's hard for me to even write this...the end is near, and I will no longer have that guilt weighing my heart down.

Goodbye 2012.

This time of year is so bittersweet. While we get to spend time with friends and family, start fresh and turn a new leaf, it's also the anniversary of the passing of my mother in law. Tomorrow marks the first year without Nana. I've learned over the past year, that it's a lot easier to miss someone when you can't call them anymore. I swear the woman drove me batty with all of her craziness and illness...but I miss how she would call the kids all the time to talk to them. I miss her inappropriate jokes and how she would laugh at them all. I miss playing Boggle and spades. I miss hearing her say "Hi Honey!" I guess it's true...you don't know what you've got until it's gone. RIP Shawnee, we all miss you.

Now we move onto resolutions. I think we can all agree that they suck. How many people actually stick to them? I don't think I ever have.

Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. So I'm going to resolve to TRY to change the bad habits that I've created. 1) I want to be healthier. That includes eating less processed foods, less crap, less sugar...being more active...living more green...take care of body and mind...and on a family level too. 2) Work on organization and keeping the house cleaner. 3) Work on family rules...make sure they are enforced. Everyone needs to help to keep the family functioning properly. Mama can't do it alone. :)

I'm ready for 2013. I'm ready for a new year to corrupt lol. It will be quite a year for our family. Fiona starts preschool. We will be moving shortly into the new year (no idea where we will be moving...keep your fingers crossed that we can find something). The kids will likely start a new school. Jim and I will celebrate 10 years together. My 10 year high school reunion (and Jim's 20 year). Many birthdays to celebrate. Holidays to plan. New people to meet. So much is going to happen...and I can't wait to experience it. I hope you all have a very happy new year. Thanks for sticking with me through a year of mostly angry and depressing blog posts (I also resolve to make happier posts in 2013!! lol) Please, celebrate responsibly and get a designated driver if you party too hearty. Be safe my friends.

Bah Humbug.

I'm a giant ball of Grumpy Cat AND I'm menstruating. Hormones are out of control and I'm pushed to my fucking limits.

Problem Child.

What do you do when your child refuses to go to school and when they do go, they spend 90% of the day throwing fits, interrupting class, ignoring, threatening and even hitting teachers? Since school started in September, he's gone downhill really fast. The school is getting tired of dealing with him, and I don't blame them. It's a rare day that I DON'T get a phone call about how terribly the day went. When they look at him they see this:

Jim and I met with a woman at Fraser and she told us basically that he doesn't have ADD and he's above average in smarts. I took Eoghan to his first therapy session yesterday. He's got some sort of behavior disorder, sensory integration disorder and high anxiety levels. We came up with some goals to work on, but I'm honestly not optimistic. I get the distinct impression from both the therapist and the behavior specialist at school, that they don't think we're doing anything to fix the problems. Frankly, I'm ready to rip my hair out for sheer frustration. Every day is a struggle. A struggle to get dressed for school in the morning. A struggle to get him onto the bus. Every day we wonder when we're going to get a call home from school. We've tried begging, pleading, demanding, threatening, bribing, punishing bad behavior and rewarding good behavior...nothing works. Last week Eoghan was so unable to control himself and his meltdowns that he spent a couple hours the entire WEEK in his classroom. He refused to eat breakfast or lunch. They're going to get an iep going for him to receive services at school...but until it's all set, we're stuck in a vicious cycle. I'm so frustrated and confused and...well, scared. What if they can't figure out what's going on? What if nothing works? What if he can't ever control himself and spends the rest of his life in trouble? I've been considering homeschooling him to see if that would help. I keep being told "hold off" but, I just see Eoghan getting worse and watching new issues arise. What do you do when your child has anxiety attacks and is depressed? It's heartbreaking. I wish I could fix him and take away his hurt. I guess we just keep swimming and hope that things get figured quickly. In the meantime...I will keep trying. I need some wine. :(

Everything's just black and white I guess.

Today there was a status on my facebook news feed that really offended me... **name protected** brought this to my attention and he is so right! Almost 100% of the children that will be at one of the holiday events for struglling families will be black. The problem is that most of the toys that we have for the kids are of blond hair, blue eyed, white dolls and action heros. These children come from the poorest neighborhoods in Minneapolis where they see black people getting arrested, in gangs, using/selling drugs, etc. These children should have beautiful princess dolls and action heros that are black to play with so they can identify themselves with good role models. We need toys like the frog princess movie which is of a black princess, toys of black police officers, black firefighters, black soldiers, black teachers, black babies, etc. PLEASE order some of these online or pick some up if you see anything like this in the stores! After reading that, I felt because I'm white, the black community can't fix the problems they face. Maybe that's a little over the top...but it really irked me. Every parent has the opportunity to raise their children properly, regardless to color of their skin, how poor they may be or what "hood" they live in. You can live in the crappiest neighborhood in town and you can raise your child to be a respectable person and a successful adult. If you have dope dealers and gang bangers standing on the corners, you can move. You can change the scenery and make it a safer environment to raise your family. Tell your children about the things they're seeing and why they are wrong...Teach your children that they can reach higher and strive for more, EDUCATE them. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My Dad was a painter by trade and worked long, hard hours painting everything under the sun. He would come home, change his clothes and head off to another job. My Mom cleaned houses. She cleaned toilets and scrubbed countless floors on her hands and knees. My parents worked hard to provide for their children. We didn't live in big beautiful houses, have new cars, wear expensive clothes or take fancy trips. We were middle class, to say the least. But, my parents tried to make our lives happy and easy. Now I'm grown and have my own family. My husband works at a dead end job (but hey, it's a job!) all day long, making just enough to get us by month to month. I spend the days taking care of our children (I would love to get a job, but I would only bring in enough to pay for daycare), trying to make sure that they are being taught everything they need to know and mold them into good members of society. Now here we are, 5 years later. We're losing our house and have to try to find a place that we can afford. We're getting assistance through the county to help us out. We're not rich, by any means. But we're trying. Our kids many things...but they don't have everything they want. I just want to make sure they have food to eat and toilet paper to wipe their little butts...even that is a struggle sometimes. Later in this thread of comments, was this: "This was not to get the agree-ance of everybody, it was from my own black experience my self. ROle models are always people outside of our hood, our kids only see pimps, drug dealers, gangbangers as their negative mentors, this is sad and wrong. Our black Children need black role models, in their presence, as young kids, as far as them not selling, that's not true, every black mother and father buys their daughters black dolls. It's just the stores only cater to white people, because they can afford any price that the white dolls cost. Most of our people in the hood are poor, we cannot afford costly toys or dolls. Only we know what our kids need. Every race of people has their own, whites have Barbie, Mexicans have Dora and we only have Princess Tianna, so with that said, again we as black people were taught as kids that black was bad and white was good, which today many years after slavery we know was a lie. So now that we know the truth, we must give the truth to our kids of today, and start them off with black is beautiful dolls, which will instill in our daughters that they are beautiful too. As for me I buy only black dolls for my grand daughters and my daughter, I want them to know they are a special and unique race just as beautiful as any other race." So I commented about how it doesn't matter what color you are, where you live or how much you make whether you raise your children to be good people. I'm all for helping people, but people also need to help themselves. Sorry if that's offensive. Sorry if you're so lazy that you can't get off your ass and get a job. Sorry if you're so addicted to drugs that you ditch your family. Sorry if you're so angry about your life that you feel the need to blame white people that your little girl doesn't have "an affordable black doll". This is reverse racism if I ever saw it. But that's okay Jennifer, "It's best to know us before you judge us, and being white is not bad it's between you and god. He loves us all but he hates those who try to judge." Are you fucking kidding me?? Yeah, and you're not full of judgment and hate toward the white man. That's obvious. Where's your concern for the little American Indian girl or the Middle Eastern girl or the little Muslim girl that doesn't have a doll just for them? You are only concerned for yourself. I was then told that I think like the KKK. WOW! Just wow. There are so many things wrong with this persons line of thinking that it makes me sick. Apparently because I disagree with his person, I'm a racist whitey. People born to the ghettos have survived and thrived and become doctors, lawyers, productive members of society. People born into rich homes that have every easy opportunity in life become drug addicted losers. People who are blind and deaf learn to read and communicate. See the common bond? They're people. It doesn't matter what shade of the rainbow their skin is. It's about being a good person...about TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER...ABOUT WANTING MORE FOR YOUR CHILDREN. And p.s. If you can't afford that toy for your child...do what I do, save up. Collecting the change in your pocket every day and putting it away will add up. Don't wait for someone to do it for you, your child deserves more than that.

Craft Night!!

Yesterday, my gal pal and I decided to have a craft day to get some Christmas gifts made. After hitting a couple stores, we brought our loot back to get started. We worked for about 3 hours before I had my fill of trying to get stuff done with kids running amuck. Dinner and bed for the kids and I was back to get my rear in gear.

It's amazing how much of a mess two girls can make lol. We even had power tools!!

I ended up getting 8 Christmas gifts finished and started 3 more. We sat and did crafts for SEVEN HOURS. OMG! Today I feel like I got hit by a bus. My shoulders and neck hurt from concentrating so hard on my projects...my brain hurts from thinking so much...lol. I'm super excited for the next craft night though. So many things I want to make and try out. I'm no Martha Stewart, but I've got skills. :)

Cancer.

I decided this weekend to get some new ink. Okay, so really, I was jealous that Jim went to California, so I wanted to do something awesome too. I went to B Cool tattoo shop to get it done. I've driven past it hundreds of times in the past four years and always thought it looked pretty "hole in the wall, probably pretty ghetto"ish. I was pleasantly surprised. Unlike Rose of No Man's Land tattoo that I went to several months ago, the folks at B Cool greeted us immediately and were VERY reasonable in their prices. I met the guy that was going to do my tat and got to work.

I decided to go with my Cancer Zodiac sign, as it is very much "me". I am very happy with how it turned out.

While I was getting my tat done, we were discussing my horseshoe tattoo and how disappointed I was with how it turned out. He said for $20 more, he'd fix it. SNAP! So he went to town on that...and WOW...it turned out great. Check out the before and after:

I left completely satisfied and will definitely be back for more. I'm looking forward to working with Mr. Dutch to create some new masterpieces.